Thankful for the Time We Had

Dear Tang, 

  

In March 2015 I spotted a picture of you and all your beautiful, fluffiness on a website for finding animals in need of adoption. I clicked and read your description and about your foster home. The description of your personality resonated with us. You loved to greet people at the door, loved to get treats and you loved hanging out, outside with your dog buddies. We didn't tell your boy that we found you yet, we were not sure if the application would pan out or if someone was ahead of us to get you. You see, we had issues with a breeder in the past who pulled us out of line suddenly and we didn't want to break his heart. We filled out an application. After the, multi-page, essay like application, went through we had a phone interview. During the phone interview we found out about your cat buddy. He was so scared of people, but your foster mom read about Spirit, our experience with a scared, feral kitten, who we helped become a loving, sweet cat. Your foster mom told us how you two, cuddle and play together. We discussed for sure getting you and taking a look at your buddy. 

When we had a chance, we drove to your foster home, to take a look at you and see if you liked, your boy. When we first came in the door, you were immediately drawn to him, you greeted him first. You enjoyed his pets and scratches. Your foster mom told us all about you and some of the things you loved and she could see you enjoyed our visit. I asked about your buddy and where he was. She told me to quietly peek into the cat room and I could see him laying on a cat tree sleeping by a window. He looked just like you, just smaller. We had already talked about taking him with you as long as he was healthy, so you guys could, keep the bond you already formed and we could help your buddy trust and love people. We knew once we seen him, that we had to follow through with this. 

We filled out the paper work and signed for adopting both you and your buddy. We told your foster mom we would send some pictures and let her know how you guys were doing.  We brought you both home. It was a long car ride and once we got home, we took the two of you to a room, we had prepared for you guys to get used to the sounds and smells of your new home. 

You enjoyed when your boy would come into the room to visit with you.  Your buddy, who we named Junior, due to how closely you guys resembled each other, was not as thrilled with the human visitors. After time had passed and we exchanged scents and you and Midnight had eaten food by the doorway together, and you explored the environment with no other cats out, we opened the door and allowed you to come out and explore while Midnight was out. You guys got along well. Some initial hesitations soon faded and you guys were soon cuddling together. 

  

Junior took longer, he did begin to leave the room while no one was upstairs to check our bedroom or to downstairs when we were all asleep in our room upstairs. We gave him time and when he was comfortable with the environment and found some other places to hide, we realized making it so he couldn't go hide all day in the room was the best option for progress with him. Sure, enough after shutting the door, he slowly got used to us, the humans in the house and all the sounds that came with us. He slowly made progress over time, but he made progress faster than I thought he would, with your and Midnight's help in letting him know that we were safe and we came with treats and he loved pets. He was more scared of men, loud noises and fast movements, so we were careful to take it slow and quiet with him and let him with time visit men. Eventually, he would actually come out when other people were visiting like you did.   

We loved watching you and Junior wrestle around on the floor, you cuddling with Midnight and you and Midnight batting toys back and forth.  You did great with your first bath and your trips to the vet. You were always a little unsure about car rides, so you were vocal about that part. You loved laying on people's laps and perching on shoulders. You enjoyed following people to the bathroom and earned the name bathroom stalker. When I was pregnant with our second little human, you began to just stay in the bathroom, knowing I would be in there again soon. You loved to greet all of our guests when they came over, even people you have never met before. You loved going outside with Midnight and eating grass together. You loved to sit and watch the gerbils play in their cage, the fish swimming around in the tank and the birds eating at the bird feeder that is wonderfully, located right outside of the window. You fiercely scratched the scratching posts, climbed to the highest peaks of the cat tree, enjoyed nightly cuddles and daily sunbathing. You enjoyed belly rubs, which your boy thought was great because most cats don't. 

  

You started to lose some weight and you had your check up one-year after adoption date and the vet wasn't concerned as you were still at an appropriate weight. 1.5 months later, in May of 2016, we were rushing you back in for a sick visit. You had dropped a lot more weight, had diarrhea, vomiting, were not cleaning yourself and you were not your normal level of active. The vet ran a lot of tests. We prayed, we cried, we prayed some more. We hugged and cuddled you. We thought we were going to lose you. We didn't want to have to come home and tell your boy that were going to have to say good bye to you. Over 500 dollars' worth of tests later; what we knew was you did not have feline leukemia; your organs were working, but you had an elevated white blood cell count. We were told that because you did not have feline leukemia meant that there was less of a chance that the elevated count was due to cancer and more of a chance that it was due to inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). We were told we could pay another 200 something to find out which of the two it was or we could move forward and start steroid treatment which would be our route for treating both, since we could not afford the thousands for surgery and chemo therapy. We decided on the option we could afford, we started steroid shots. The vet said each dose could last up to 2 months or as little as 3 weeks. If it was IBD, you could start to improve and not need the shot as much after time on it and start to wean down on the strength of the steroid. If it was cancer it would work for 6 months to a year and then you would get really sick in a short amount of' time, as the cancer would suddenly grow at an increasing rate and no amount of steroids would stop it from growing again. We prayed and hoped it would be the IBD and left knowing even if it was not, we would continue the steroids and we would have more time with you. 

  

We explained to your boy that you had IBD and needed a special shot from the vet to feel better and needed to eat soft food with the option of hard food. We explained that was why you were sick and didn't always feel your best. You improved in weight and energy after you received your steroid, this made us hopeful, but in all truthfulness, you were never, 100% you. You never returned to what you were before you got sick. You started to pull away from your buddy, Junior, you were grumpy with him, you didn't want him near you or even for him to be in the same room as you. You no longer played with Junior. We hoped in time you would return to what you were before, that you would be buddies with him, again. We loved on you and took care of you. We started feeding you the canned cat food on the vets request to help you gain your weight back. You gained quite a bit of weight again, but you never got up to what you once were. Junior grew and bulked up and soon you were longer and taller than him, but you were the smaller one. We hoped that your lower play amount was due to you still healing. 

Fast forward, to nearly 8 months later, from the start of your steroid treatment. You started to look very bloated and we thought it may be IBD causing inflammation in your bowels. We went to take you in for your regular steroid and the vet was wanting to get some tests done to see if your organs were shutting down. We didn’t have the $100, it was for the test at the time and we were told to just get it done before the next steroid shot. Looking back that last steroid shot was us in denial. We didn't want to accept how you were getting worse. We wanted the best-case scenario. We waited and hoped the bloating would go down. We hoped it was gas and inflammation and not fluid filling your abdomen from organs shutting down. We didn’t want to have to say goodbye.  

That Sunday after your last steroid shot you had a seizure. Your boy didn't see it, we shielded him from it. Daddy sat down on the floor with you and comforted you. We were really thinking we may have to take you in that night to be put down, that night. It hit us like a freight train, the reality of it all. You were not okay, you were getting worse, you were hurting, your body was not healing. We knew then we needed to sit your boy down and have a talk with him. You seemed okay after the seizure and denial started to creep back in again, we just wanted more time. We told your boy that although you have been sick for a while, that you were really sick now and that we may have to put you to sleep if you get worse or continue to be really sick. Your boy had school Monday and we didn’t want him to come home from school and look for you and find out you were rushed in to be euthanized. We wanted him to have a chance to say his goodbyes to you, encase it needed to be done. We explained that it could happen the next day if you got worse or if you were much better it could happen farther down the road. He was full of hope and wishing it won't have to happen for a while. He wasn't super upset, but we didn't have any solid decisions. 

Monday, while your boy was at school, we talked about you and what we should do. We looked back and thought about some things. You have had an increase in vomiting stomach bile since around Thanks Giving and here it was a week before Christmas. Your weight was not staying on like it used to, with your steroid shot. You had been slowly pulling away from both cats and even from us more and more. You spent more time alone in that time, then you have in the almost two years we have had you. We knew that your time with us was coming to an end and that we would need to say goodbye. We were trying to figure out how much longer we could have with you. We went back and forth in the denial stage of wishing that you would get better and that we would have more time with you. When talking to a family friend about all that has happened and what is going on, with a not as emotional view point, she told us the time to let him go is now. We knew you would continue to decline because your organs were beginning to shut down and we did not want your boy to see you get worse. We did not want him to see you have another seizure and we did not want you to be in pain anymore. You were really good at hiding just how sick you were and how much pain you were in. You no longer wanted your belly touched and we concluded it was due to how uncomfortable it was. We figured Wednesday would be the day; that would give your boy the time he needed to say goodbye without you being in prolonged discomfort.  

When your boy came home from school, mommy had to tell him that we had to say goodbye and what day we were going to say goodbye to you. We notified his teacher as well encase she noticed any changes in him at school and was wondering why. Your boy had half days Wednesday, Thursday and Friday before he started his Holiday break. Your boy cried when he knew we had to say goodbye. He hit denial stage hard, too. He said maybe you could get better if he pet you more or if he picked you up less because we asked him not to pick you up when your belly was so bloated. He wanted to fix you and we cried how I wish we could fix you, that we tried, we wanted more time with you, but cancer is nasty, cancer is mean, cancer was hurting you and it was not fair to you, to keep you longer. I went to bed that night eyes swollen, sore, red and vision blurred from so many tears shed.  

It hurt knowing we would have to say goodbye to you. We were not expecting it, we were hoping for more time. We were hoping when we started the steroids it wouldn't be goodbye for years. We were not expecting nearly two years ago when we got you, that you would be the one we would say goodbye to first. We got you for your boy, so he could bond to another cat besides Midnight who is now 16 years old. We were not planning on cancer. We were not thinking you would go first. We just wanted more time. Cancer stole your time with us, caner stole you from us.  

The next day, your boy continued to spend as much time with you as he could after he got home from school. Spoiling you even more, then you were spoiled before. We didn't want him to have regrets after he said goodbye, so we started a bucket list. He came up with everything after I explained what a bucket list was and gave an example.  

This is what he came up with: 

1. lots of pets 
2. Say good bye to him 
3. Go outside again 
4. Let him eat some grass again 
5. Let him have fun with catnip 
6. Take a cat nap 
7. No vacuuming allowed  
8. Eat more chicken 
9. Eat more treats  
10. Say I love you lots of times 

Then he said after he wanted to make a list for Tang to do in "Kitty Heaven" a name he came up with. 

Tang will do these: 

1. Sleep and take a lot of naps 
2. Have good dreams about him and other things 
3. Find another cat to clean out his poop out of the litter box 
4. Play on a trampoline 
5. Make an awesome kitty calendar 
6. Have no doors since he cannot open doors 
7. Get more kitty treats and cat nip 
8. Do a cat treat advent calendar, so he can finish his calendar while Josiah finishes his 
9. Watch lots of fish and gerbils 1
10. Take pictures of yourself 
11. Watch your boy open his presents on Christmas 
12. Play with his favorite cat toys like BB-8 
13. Make your own robot and farm 
14. Get a matching Star Wars blanket, so they can have the same blanket still 
15. Make kitty friends to cuddle with 
16. Your boy said " I hope you still get a special present that would say From Josiah to Tang and I would get you the ability to watch me from heaven and I will call it watcher downer because heaven is a long way up and would take a long time to space travel there" 
17. Have mice to chase 18. Make your own house 

Your boy was confused as to what euthanasia was and how it worked. He was scared that it would hurt you or that they would keep you in a cage until you got worse and then put you to sleep. We looked up age appropriate info and a video of how another cat went to sleep and their heart just stopped. It calmed him down, more, to know you were not going to be in a cage and that you would not be hurt. We looked up the poem about the rainbow bridge. We found a song that made him cry, but he loved the song because he said it was perfect for you. He wanted the song shared with everyone, so they knew about you and what was going to happen to you.  

We knew you were going to be gone, so the grieving process started before you were gone. I think this was helpful to your boy, he could hug you and cry and have plenty of time to love you and cuddle you and say goodbye. For me sometimes it was hard. To look at you and know that soon you wouldn't be standing there, but it gave me a chance to say goodbye and to grieve before you were gone. too. You soon wouldn't be following me to the bathroom, asking for pets and cuddling with us anymore. Denial liked to creep back in, I was constantly looking for signs of improvement, as if suddenly the cancer would go away and your organs would stop failing. Anger hit mixed in with bargaining. Why couldn't you have IBD and not cancer. Sadness filled us off and on over the three days. Denial kept slipping back in to the very last day with me, then acceptance happened. I accepted you had to go, you were not well and would not get well, you had cancer, it was growing more quickly than before and your organs were failing, you couldn't come back from that. There was nothing we could do, to get more time, we had already gained nearly 8 months with the steroid shots, but it never seems like enough time when a life is cut short.  

Wednesday came, we already let the animal shelter know that we would be in that day, but not until the closest to close that we could get you there. The day was as perfect as it could get, the snow had melted, allowing access to the surprisingly still green grass underneath and the sun came out, allowing you to sunbathe most of the day. Your boy stayed home from school and we spent the day allowing your boy to complete the bucket list with you, allowing him all the goodbyes and cuddles he could get in. Your boy wanted a video of you, so we took a video, he wanted lots of pictures, so we documented everything. You completed your bucket list and your boy said his goodbyes and gave us a letter for you to take with you, as we left the house with you in tow to the animal shelter. The car ride was eerily quiet, you were not vocal about the car ride and daddy said you weren't, a week ago when you received your last steroid shot. This was more confirmation of how bad you were and how much you were hiding from us.  The shelter knew who we were when we arrived and allowed us more cuddles, byes and tears. They told us about the place you would be cremated at and that if we called they could do a clay mold of your paw print before you were cremated.  We already tried to get your paw print, but were not the most successful, we got a bit of your fur and a picture of you attached to a canvas which I painted a water color sunset with water and markers before we brought you to the animal shelter. Your boy took the next day off of school as well, but he went to school Friday for pajama day. 

Two weeks after we said our goodbyes, we are still waiting on the call for your paw print, but feel your boy will really love his gift from you to him, even if it was late for Christmas. We found a stuffy on amazon that looks a lot like you and ordered it with some gift cards we had. That won't arrive until Jan 14th through the 24th, but I am sure he will love and cuddle on it. I am sure your boy will be ready for a new cat eventually, we were not sure when, but we promise you he will bond and love another cat again. He drew you some pictures.

Love,

The family who will always miss you