What The....

*trigger warning if you have ever been sexually abused this might trigger old memories*

Sorry this blog post is not mainly about Josiah, the last paragraph is but unless you read the rest you probably will not get why I say, what I say in the last paragraph.

Like most people I have people on my friends list from high school and since their stuff pops up in my news feed I occasionally read them. Well, I once came across this "I stopped a girl from getting rapped today" then a comment how did you do that? "self control man, self control" was his reply back! To which the other person replied something to the point that he thought it was funny. Like really rape is funny. Needless to say this person was blocked from my list since my sister had said that he had posted something else a different time joking about rape and people were telling him it was not funny, yet he continues to do it. I seriously do not care what a women is wearing, she could be completely nude and that does not give a man the right to rape her. Neither does the women being his girlfriend or even his wife. No means, no! It should not need to be said more than once.

This kind of crap seriously ticked me off. Not only for the above reasons, but due to my past. Just a semi-quick overview that I have shared for classes that we had to discuss sexual abuse in and another where some classmates thought that we shouldn't have to do background checks on church nursery employees because they are members of the church(they figured if you are part of the church body you should be forgiven for all past mistakes, but in my eyes if someone sexually abuses children and even if they are saved again you do not put them in the nursery that would be like handing a past alcoholic a bottle of liqueur and just hoping he does not drink it-being saved does not make it so you no longer sin so why even take the chance with children), but I have never shared this to a vast range of people.

Here we go

As a child before I was even 8 I was molested (for those of you who do not know that term it means touch in a sexual way). I know it was only know it was sometime before I was 8 because I broke my leg then and the first time it happened was before that had happened. One of my mom's friend's husband had laid on top of both me and my middle sister. Fully clothed but none the less not something you do to a child. I will spare the great detail my brain still to this day holds of this moments and the others to come. Person number two was sometime after I broke my leg and was my youngest sister's father. He would come in nightly and kiss us (my middle sister and I goodnight) and would touch both of us under our clothes. Once I finally found out that this was happening to her too, I made a plan to tell my mom the next day. We did and he was arrested and we were brought in a courtroom which was so scary at a young age. Number three and four were teen boys, much, much older than I with the whole you touch me I touch you kind of crap. Number four was another mom's friend's husband and thankfully it was a failed and attempt (on multiple occasions), but he was latter arrested for molesting his step children. Then number one was still around and this time decided to molest me during a sleep over of all girls, while they slept so no clue how many people he touched then. Number five had hit me once and molested my top half with a if I touch you I won't touch your sister, (was only living with my middle sister by now, mom lost custody) so took one for saving her  from having to go through it. By now I was so full of hate. Some of these men,were supposedly "good Christian men". Go to church every Sunday involved in many parts of the church type of people. When I was eleven; so full of hate, distrust, and such great sadness a 16 yr old moved in\visited an apt we lived in a lot. I am sure he could see I hated the world and so the grooming began (now I do not mean hygiene. It is a term when a predator picks a target and begins to get them and or their family to trust them.) It first started with cards and movies with the family. Then bike rides, outings to the parks and other stuff. This was not his first rodeo, he knew what he was doing. He was more than likely taught by his father who although never came near me had been molesting/having sex~statutory rape with young girls for years. Eventually the I love you, I want to go out with you, I want to be your only one kind of lines came. At first, with no positive response, but sometime before I had turned twelve we started "dating" and loads of predators do the whole we are dating thing. Molesting soon began and I trusted him, thought someone truly cared. Now in the 5th grade my mom opted me out of sex ed (I am all for early sex ed). Well, wish I was not. Maybe that would have made a difference, but maybe not. Sometime soon after I turned twelve my virginity was lost which I regretted the decision before, during, after; just felt I had no choice. If you want to think every girl who loses their virginity at twelve is a slut then I am sorry you have such a twisted mind (sadly this has been said about me). This "relationship" lasted over FIVE years. When I was sixteen and made the decision that waiting for marriage for sex was a better thing to do (which was hard to do since he was emotionally abusive), he took what he wanted from me anyways. I forgave him and reasons we were dating and I shouldn't expect him to go from almost daily, to no more. Yes, I was basically raped daily with some exceptions of times when he was gone from (age wise statutory rape and I never did give true consent ever-felt guilt and shame every time as if I was doing something wrong and it ate away at me) twelve to sometime after I was sixteen. This relationship if I must call it that was soon ended with a threat to my life. Details of how a later met hubby is in a past post, so won't re explain.

Today

I have not been and still not that great at trusting people, so sorry to some if you want to call me cold or bitter (yes, I have been called cold and bitter). Which are words I honestly wouldn't use to describe myself. I have worked hard not to let my past rule my present and my future. It is just really hard at times to trust completely. My hubby has my trust, but few people beyond that. Even something as simple as hugging is sometime difficult for me. I have been working on that so much though. Dating Jason, getting married and then having Josiah has helped me overcome much of my past; Although, this was extremely difficult in many ways. I also have had the hardest time wearing skits since I was rapped in a skirt. It has taken forever to be able to wear skits and dresses again and even now I still wear shorts or leggings underneath even if they are ankle length dresses. I even had the worst time getting over touching Josiah's diaper area enough to do needed creams or wiping. Oh and then breastfeeding and even in public (took a lot to get courage to do this-wonder why I feel so strongly about it now?, I have gained my body back through my choices!-I do if for he best of my child and not to just show off). I will strive to teach him to be a better man then almost all of them in my life and hopefully no cycle will be continued with him. I will fight as hard as I can to protect him from predators and will fight to get any sentenced if they decide to over step their bounds (hubby has much harsher words and feelings on what would happen)! I have been working on this post for a while and having a hard time even pushing the publish button, but I have learned before that through great tragedy comes great things! Like a phoenix rising born out of the ashes.