20 Reasons Why I Love Him

I know valentines day is done and over with, but I wanted to post something on our anniversary of when we officially started dating 7 years ago today, so here goes...

There are many more reasons for why I love my husband, but this is what I came up with for this post. This post has been really hard to come up with things, not because I do not love my husband, but the whole putting it into words that make sense and can be categorized. Love in its self is a hard thing to describe. I have an even hard time already describing emotions and feelings, so this is completely out of my little bubble and I know my husband can truly appreciate the gesture.

1. God Sent Me Him

I feel that God brought us together to be friends at first and then to be married like we are now. We both feel this way. We were meant to be together. We belong together. Through ups and downs in life we have been there for each other with God as our foundation and it will continue to be this way. I spent a year away from dating or even thinking about who I should date to find out what God wanted for my life. That is when he fell into my life as my best friend, which brings us to number two.

2. My Best Friend

He was my best friend before we started dating and still is my best friend. I would talk and talk to him from time I got done with homework (met when I was 16/Sophomore in high school) to the time I went to bed. We don't so much get he luxury to do that now days with Josiah(Little Man/LM) running around, me going to school, and him working, but I still love talking to him about our hopes and dreams. Talking about the here and now as well and hope that we can stay this way until one of his leaves this earth and that will only be a temporary separation, as I know we will be together again on the other side.

3. He Is My Other Half

As cheesy as this sounds he is literally my other half. The Jelly to my peanut butter(or some other alternative to those with peanut allergies) or how ever else you want to put this statement. He is my other half because I am the thinker and he is the emotions and even though this may be frustrating at times, it is what makes us work great together. When Josiah has had to have tough things done like a tongue tie and lip tie clipped I was he one to be there because Jason said he would be too emotional to do it/would want to hit the Dr. for hurting him. I am a very shy reserved person and he is partially shy as well, but when it comes to speaking up to certain DRs about stuff that I would rather ignore to avoid confrontation he is all there supporting our rights and decisions.

4. We Are In This Together

I love that we ware in this autism adventure together with Josiah. He is a part of his therapies and Dr appointments. I do not have to try to juggle it all myself. I have someone to stand by my side while we go through life. It is much easier to navigate through all the specialists and paper work when you have someone to help. He goes to all the appointments with us, I mainly fill out paper work for everything, but sometimes he fills in some stuff as well. He is en every part of what we do. He loves to come home and see Josiah's swimming pictures and other pictures from our day that he missed while he was at work. The FB page has both of us as admins and he loves to see all of the comments, likes and messages just as much as I enjoy to see the support. He may mostly be a silent observer with the page, but he is there. 

5.-7. Views On Gender Roles, He Love Me For Me, He Understands

I do not know how to separate these three without repeating myself over and over, but feel all of them deserves a mention. I love that he does not feel that gender roles should define us. I would feel extremely trapped if I was the stereotypical women. I do not wear make-up and I hardly wear dresses/skirts. He loves it when I do, but would never push the idea of me having to do it more often then I choose to do it. He knows that the way I get my energy is in very small groups or even by myself so he gives me my space when I need it. He does not feel that just because he works outside of the home means he gets a free pass on household jobs. We both do what we feel is best for our family as with what we do around the house. When he does stuff it is not just because I asked him to, but because it needs to be done and more times then not does not even need to be mentioned. I will do his chores at times and he will do mine depending on what is going on in any given time. He understands when I am in a do not touch me mood or a kiss is too much. Sometimes just a kiss feels like I am being smothered and he is very understanding of when that time is and I absolutely love that about him.

8. He Is A Wonderful Father

It is very easy to add into the no gender roles with making him a wonderful father^^. He lets Josiah be himself even if that means wanting to dress up like a fairy for fairy garden day. He did not tell him he could not do it because fairies are for girls. Just like he has never told Josiah that play kitchen's or dolls are just for girls. Josiah has dolls, play kitchen, trucks, cars, trains, and all kinds of things in between. It is what he likes and enjoys not what he should be. He is there for Josiah. Yes, there can be times when he gets a little more frustrated then I will about something, but it is evident that he trying and that Josiah LOVES him so much. When daddy is home on the weekend it is hard to separate those two as Josiah wants to soak up every min with him.

9. Service

I love the fact that when I decided to serve at church for school that he joined me and that he is by my side there every Sunday helping me teach the class. He is my other half in the classroom as well. we work so well together. I do the story and he does the song. I do the water he does the snack. We do not even have to plan or talk to each other about what needs to be done, we just know how we need to do it. We sometimes even switch between what kids we are playing with if we know that the other person's personality would add to the situation. This kind of thing makes me love him even more seeing him in a situation where we can share about God to a room full of children and just connecting weather it be through words or not. I could have just served on my own for class, but he is there by my side which is wonderful to have my other half there.

10. Foot Rubs At Night

Foot rubs or back rubs at night. I love that if I am laying in bed and my feet itch and he knows they do, he just says "give them here" and puts lotion on them/gives me a foot rub. He offers to rub my back and or neck if he realizes I need it. I do not have to say anything and rarely request to have either done, but really do enjoy it when he offers. To go along with this putting pressure on my legs and feet when I need it. I can not explain at all the feeling I have at times in my legs, but all I know is pressure/ weight helps make it go away. Thinking it is a stimulation issue and I used to think it was possible anxiety, but the anxiety only comes if the horrible feeling does not go away.

11. Support

I love him for his support that he gives to me. Through the times when I had night after night of the whole anxiety thing where I kind of went into myself not to be found, but he brought me out of it and I am happy to say I have not had problems like that in a long time. Of course only after having Josiah have I learned about meltdowns and all the different ways they can present. He has supported me with breastfeeding and all kinds of parenting choices that we have made together, but that I end up with the choice more then him. Like with breastfeeding we both think it is a great choice, but I am the one doing it and he is my wonderful supportive husband. He is also very supportive of the other people around him. I am more then willing to share my supportive husband when the need arises. We have some friends that used to be just my friends that are now both of our friends and they love to go to him for help specially when they need a more emotionally supportive role. Like I feel bad when something happens, I just am unsure as to what to say to a person. Not because I do not care, I just have the hardest time coming up with the words other then wow that sucks, sorry to hear that.

12. Kind Heart

The whole support thing brings me the the fact that he has a kind heart. He is a very caring person. He hates to see people hurting. This goes along with his heart for service, too. He sometimes will get frustrated because he can not help a person he wants to help, so it all comes out completely wrong then how it was supposed to come out.

13. Kiss Goodbye

I love that him and Josiah always gives me a kiss and sometimes a hug goodbye before they take off somewhere even if it is just the the store down a block from our house.

14. Good Worker

He is a good hard working at his job and sometimes takes the leadership position on his shift when needed. He has gone in on vacation days when he was needed. He always strives to be honest and work his hardest even if others are not. He is also a good worker at home (when it is not nap time).

15. Check-ins

I love that when he is at work he will call or text to let me know how he is doing or ask to see how me and Josiah are doing. He also will know then if we were having a bad day or night and I know if he had a bad day at work. We also will know if each other had a great day or things that Josiah accomplished, so he does not miss out on things while he is working second shift. If he was not napping during my classes I would be checking in on breaks as well, but Josiah is in therapy and he is napping, so all is quite during the time that I am away. I have sent him pictures of food and drink that ended up all over the floor due to a Josiah freak out or things we colored or painted before he destroys them. This is one of the many reasons I take so many pictures and videos, so hubby can play catch up on what happened while he was at work.

16. Sleeping in

I love that on Tuesdays and Fridays if there is no need for me to go to Josiah's ABA therapy I am able to stay home and sleep in. In return he sleeps an extra hour Mondays and Wednesdays and he naps the two hours that Josiah is in therapy 5 days a week. We both try to help each other get the most rest we can so we are able to handle meltdowns and tantrums a lot better from Josiah or have more energy to do fun activities with Josiah.

17. Washing My Hair

This has got to be my kryptonite. I know for some the sensory might be too much and for others it might not be such a big deal, but I love it. I suggest that every man tries at least once, to wash his significant others hair. Anyone should wash their significant other's hair/head at least once. I know my hubby loves it when I wash his hair/head (sometimes he shaves it almost all off like picture below). Specially if the women has long hair. You would not believe the time and energy that is taken into hair even if it is just brushed out like I do. Imagine the time that is put into curling or straitening for some women. The feeling of just being able to relax while one tasks that you may sometimes dread is being done for you is partially why it is amazing. The other part is when you add pressure and massage the sensory sensations are all out wonderful. I can see why most kids love to have their heads washed (I say most because for some with autism it is a sensory nightmare).

18. Taking care of me when I am sick

This took place yesterday. I gave him a call to pick me up from class early and got Josiah ready as soon as possible to get me. He even brought a bucket encase I got sick on the way home. He got me seven up and ginger ale. Got me water, blankets and a heating pad. He took off work to watch Josiah while I spent the afternoon in the bathroom, head over a bucket or sleeping. 

19. Respectful

He has always been very respectful. Before we were married he respected wishes not to do certain things and not to move to fast. He respects wishes to not do things now that we are married as well. I am his love, not a piece of property to be owned and used however he wishes. That is one of the reasons I love him so much. He was extremely patient and respectful of issues I had after Josiah was born. Through that patients and respecting that sex was painful and just not going to happen we grew even closer to each other. 

20. Just Because

I love him because I love him. When all else is going wrong and nothing seems right, I still love him. Even when I am mad at him, I still love him. This makes it so we can not be mad at each other for very long. I look forward to spending he rest of my life with him and loving him just because. 

P.S. to my hubby are you happy I told you no peeking and you have to wait until Tuesday to see it!

Social Situations

Hope for Josiah

I really hope that someday Josiah will be better in social situations then I am.  I dread group projects or speeches. This past semester was a great experience because I did have a group project. I have I guess just like Josiah had social opportunities when he is swimming to talk to people. This has helped me to open up to people a little, but still does not help much for me as it does him. I see changes in his social ability which is great. For me it takes for ever to get used to anyone. Sometimes I will say nothing just nod or say a few words when people are talking to me in person or even on the computer (typing is so much easier). Other times I will talk and talk and talk. Depends on the subject for the most part. Most of this social awkwardness does not apply to when I am with family and by family I mean my immediate family.

The Questions

I will more times then not walk away from talking to someone I do not know well and think: Did I say something stupid? Did I say what I wanted to say right? Did I break some social code I was not aware of? Did I say something the wrong way? Are they board or are they interested in talking? Am I talking too much? too little? too quite? too loud? I will even think back on something I said days or even months or longer and wonder if someone still thinks about how stupid I sounded (if I figured I said something that came out wrong).Logically I know the other person would not be thinking back on something so far back or even something I said not too long ago, but I still am like "grrr that totally came out wrong, social fail again, I wish this social stuff was so much easier then it is". This thought is not easily pushed aside when I have heard people say stuff about what I said. What is so sad is that even in the autism community negative things have been said, even though if their child was in same situation they would hope for acceptance. That in its self is kind of sad, that they want to scream acceptance for their child, but not accept autistic traits in an adult....their child will someday be an adult.

The Learning

I often will ask my husband did I write that out well/does that sound good/does that make sense when sending stuff to some people. Or will ask a friend is it ok to say this or that to (fill in who they are to me) and get opinions from other people on if it is socially acceptable or not. I have learned this way throughout the years. I have learned how to be social even though ti does not come naturally or anywhere near natural to me. I still wonder if I am doing it right. It is like if you learn how to  do something new and you check with your teacher to see if you are doing it correctly, but for me there is no social teacher out there. Josiah with his therapy has had help with learning at a younger age from his therapy which I know will do him much more good then me just navigating on my own. I have always just put my social awkwardness off to being shy and abused and nothing more then that. Now it kind of makes sense. I can remember when I was a kid not wanting to talk to people and so my parent's solution was to force me to order my own food if I wanted to eat out or to talk to whoever we come into contact with. I still will ask hubby to ask the waiter for something if we are out and part of this is because it makes me uncomfortable and another part of this is because well, I have not made eye contact with them once so I honestly could not pick our waiter out from the crowed of workers.

Situations

Other situations other then eating out that this becomes a problem. Well loads of places. Having to talk to a teacher about a problem I have. Questions are easier if done after class and not in front of everyone, so even being asked to express something by the teacher in front of class becomes a problem. With LM's Dr's for ex. The GI and WIC lady who are both so strong minded.When someone is so strongly opinionated and a very dominating person it makes it really difficult to get a single word in or to do anything other then sit and agree, even if I do not agree. I will a lot of times let things go like calling me by the wrong name or something just because (I honestly do not have an explanation for this one). I have issues starting conversations with people or sometimes even keeping a conversation going. I might go over something over and over and over in my head before I actually say it to someone. These types of things are exactly why there are studies out there about women who have autism finding themselves in abusive relationships more then the average. I myself have been there and am very happy to be with caring, loving man at my side now. Not out in front of me dragging me through whatever crap he sees fit to drag me through like my abusive ex that I met at way to young of an age. I am so happy hubby and I started to get to know each other online; otherwise, not sure how well meeting him would have gone. We are both kind of shy. The very first time we met in person he probably wondered why I was not talking to him hardly at all. I have opinions on things, but it is extremely hard for me to express them. I find it hard to for ex point out if a carseat is being used wrong according to the manual (even if the baby's life is at stake). Even though I am nice and do not think badly of many people I have still been called a cold person. I have still been called rude and other negative qualities I do not try to be, want to be, or even knew I was doing.

The Good

I have spoke up to some people about this when out and about and in the end I feel like adrenalin is rushing through me and I half stalked them before even bring it up. I have stood up for my ability to breastfeed my hungry baby in public. I have stood up for my son when he has needed someone to speak up for him. I have advocated for him far better then I could myself. This blog was created for him and I have expressed tons of stuff about him, but have never talked much about my self. Through my time with God(took a year off of no dating and no looking for anyone) and myself, getting married, and having Josiah I have found more of a voice for the people in my life and for myself. For the ability to say NO, I will not do that just because I am a nice person (I still kind of struggle with this one a lot, but is possible to say no sometimes now). 

What Life Has Been Lately

School

Will start with yay!This semester is almost over with. We have a group presentation, for our group project that has been going on the whole semester, this Thursday with this comes a class, self and group assessment. Then the following week after that we have a group paper that will be 4-6 pages long and a individual paper that only needs to be a page long. I am so happy this class is almost done. First paper I did for it I got a 68% and still had an A in the class over all but feared I would get the same on my other two(then supposed to be three) papers that I had left until the end of the semester that were to be written the same way. I got one of the two papers back and got a 90% on it which makes me much happier. I am even more excited(besides thinking of buying books-one of which is 95$) about next semester. I will be taking my degree needed young children with special needs class and a photography class. I am excited about the classes but not so thrilled that I have to get up so early two days of the week for a whole semester. I have done this before with a summer class, but they do not last as long as a regular semester class. For the summer class it also was the only class I was taking where as for this semester I go straight from the one class to the next on Monday and on Wednesday I get to go home after class, unless I have to do something on campus for my special education class (I know there is an extra out of class thing that I have to do, but not sure what yet).

Swimming

Since Josiah has been done swimming with his instructor he has been down to only going once a week with us. Josiah has been doing better with less swimming this time then last time we were unable to swim as much, but I can still tell the difference. I got a cover for my phone, so I am able to take underwater pictures and videos. I have so far only taken video's as I can not get the button to push for taking pictures under water. I looked up on how to resolve this problem and have downloaded a camera that has a timer option onto my phone. I am super happy they have wonderful lighting at the place we swim. I was hoping to get back into three days a week swimming with LM this week, but his teething has caused some issues again and so we have to wait until his loose stools clears up before getting in the pool again. We are hoping that since both top 2 year molars are in and one bottom has fully broke the skin and the other just broke the skin that by the time LM will be swimming with Michael again that we will not be dealing with crabby teething toddler with chances of not being able to swim due to loose stools. 

Aspie

I was shared two different tests from an aspie friend that said based on diagnoses requirements I am considered an aspie. Then I got a copy of a test from someone that said it was the test most psychologists give to adults to see if the have aspergers which again told me I did. I have had thoughts about it as I learned more about stuff with LM that might be on the spectrum as well. 

LM's Over All Health

Just like last year and the year before the month of December seems to be more about getting health issues figured out then just enjoying Christmas. Luckily this year I have the tree up and lights up as of the past Saturday so we won't have a repeat of last min throwing lights up a week before Christmas(was about to not put anything up). Dec 11th LM goes in for his initial visit to the sleep clinic and hopefully will get an apt for a sleep study, so we can rule out any health reasons as to why he keeps waking up at night. I am cool with dealing with him waking at night if there is no health reason as to why he is doing it and want to get a health reason resolved if that is why he is waking at night all the time. The 18th of Dec. a week after the initial visit we have to cancel our chiropractor visit and go into the hospital to do a scope. This is to rule out any GI issues as to why LM will not gain weight. His therapy was unable to get a go ahead to feed him gluten so they will take his temp first thing, Jason will give him gluten and then they will take his temp after his two hour therapy is done. We are two weeks from scope this Wed so hoping that will be enough to show something since we have been waiting on permission to go ahead with it. Praying he does not have any bad reactions to the gluten and praying that we safely get through the scope procedure as he will be sedated for it. He can only have clear fluids starting at midnight and can no longer have fluids after 5:30 A. Wish us luck/pray for us on this one as he wakes up several times at tight to nurse. 

Guest Bloggers

I have asked several people to guest blog on the blog, so in the future there might be some posts by a few guests. As no one has a deadline as to when to get it done and I have given them all the option to be anonymous, use name, or a nickname of their choice I can not give much information other then a couple of people are thinking about it and have few others interested in it.

30 Days of Thankfulness

On day 2 of November I decided to take part in the 30 days of thankfulness. I knew from the beginning that I would have a hard time doing it on time and that I would probably end up doing multiple days at once at times, but figured it would be good to get partially back into the habit that I had from the beginning of LM's page. When I first started his page every night before I would go to bed I would share something that I was happy LM did or that I was thankful for. With such a busy schedule and late bedtimes where I passed out about the same time as LM it made it more difficult to keep up on it and soon I stopped doing it. Here is the 30 days of thankfulness(encase anyone missed some of it or all of it or just want to review them all together):

First Post:

Day 1: I am thankful for my husband who is hard working, loving, understanding, and a great father which brings me to Day 2: I am thankful for my son who is absolutely wonderful just the way he is, even with the challenges. He is smart, loving, he is my guide on this autism journey.

Second Post:

Day 3 and Day 4:  I am thankful to have found swimming for my son since it helps with his tantrums and meltdowns. With that I am also thankful for such a great instructor (who cares for Josiah so much and absolutely loves his job) and program that we found. I am thankful for ISR because it teaches self-rescue, so he can save himself in the event that he ever jumps into the water that he always finds so interesting. He also had no fear of it in the past and now has grown to have respect for it (like not just jumping in for a toy that he wants or getting in a pool that no one is in).

Third Post:

Guess I have to do thankfulness days 5,6, and 7 now. 5: thankful we can put food on the table. Even if it is rice vs rice noodles because we just can not afford the 6$ box of spaghetti noodles. Yes, sometimes being GF sucks because there are limited places to go out to eat and most are expensive, just like the food in the stores, but in the end our health is better for it and that is the best thing. 6: I am really thankful that we were able to get a scholarship at the the place that LM swims at because it is hard enough to get the 37.5 a month and really do not think we would be able to get the 75 a month that it would otherwise cost without the scholarship. To go with this I am grateful that a couple of people were able to donate some money towards his swimming which has helped out with paying the monthly fee. 7: I am extremely grateful that medicaid and our insurance together has covered the ABA costs. Which is 160 a day, 5 days a week. We are still praying that we are accepted for SSI because that would help pay for all of the other medical bills that are pilled up and other costs we have. I would be over the top thankful if we got that. I can promise everyone that we are not in such a bad money crunch because we are bad at budgeting or live outside our means. I live with my dad and pay rent because we can't afford the rent of an apartment. We only have cable bc other's want it in the house so we split the bill three ways. We never go out to eat(it is just not affordable being gluten free). We do not go out to movies or anything like that. The main things we do for fun are free or we take advantage of stuff we already have to have like the pass to the pool(if Josiah did not need this, we just would not have it). We do have a car payment, but since hubby drives 30 min to 45 min back and forth to work 5 days a week we needed a good reliable used car and not a crappy used car. We do have a cell phone bill, but don't have a house phone. We cloth diaper so there is no diaper cost.

Fourth Post:

Day 8: I am thankful for this FB page and blog with all of you awesome people on it! Thankful for the comments, likes and support that comes with the page. The ability to connect with other moms of your children with autism or just people who love to support people/families with autism. So thank you everyone!

Fifth Post:

Day 9: I am really thankful that I have a camera to take pictures. As you can probably tell I love taking pictures of my son and you can for sure tell the difference between the ones taken with my phone and those taken with my regular camera. We saved money from Christmas, my birthday which was in March, and with a little tax time help, my hubby not only replaced the camera that I had before that no longer worked, but actually got me an awesome upgrade to it! It was a really happy time to see the new camera, so although I am not very materialistic, I love my camera because it can help me capture so many wonderful moment's in my son's life.

Sixth Post:

Day 10: I am thankful for a church that we can volunteer in. I am thankful that they offer the amenities that they do: a special need a room where my son van feel safe and comfortable and a parent child room that we can do in if he isn't having a good day in class or sanctuary, so we can still enjoy service while he can play.

Seventh Post:

Day 11: I am thankful for all the troops. I am thankful I have friends and family: 5 uncles, an uncle in law, an aunts, an aunt in law, a cousin, a cousin in law, a grandparent in law, a brother in law, a step father in law, a great grandpa, and a great grandparent in law who has served in the Navy, Army, Marines, National Guard, and Air Force in times of piece and in WWII, Vietnam and Iraq. I am also thankful for the family who have served in a different way as sheriffs, police officers and firefighters.

Eighth Post:

Feeling really drained and stomach not feeling the best, so the debate comes as to stay home or go to school....I think school. Home I will have a toddler jumping all over me. Which reminds me I am behind on my days of thankfulness. Need to do 12, 13, and now 14. Day 12: I am thankful for school where I can learn more about 1. God (go to a Christian college) 2. more about early childhood 3. get to take extra classes in art like: pottery which I already did and next semester it is photography. 4. also thankful that because I am going to school I can go hide there from my toddler to maybe feel a little bit better when I get home because going to class right now is the only break I will get. Day 13: I am thankful that I was able to continue breastfeeding my son even through all of the tough times. It was a lot of hard work to do what I felt was best for him and to continue to do so with support from some and negativity from others. Day 14: I am thankful for my 12 year old cat, that I got when I was 12. He is so patient and kind with Josiah. He puts up with so much from him and still comes around and still lets Josiah touch him. I am thankful that he was there with me for years through all kinds of ups and downs in my life. I am a little sad he is getting up in age now, but will enjoy every day, week and year I have left with him and getting to see him and Josiah love each other.

Ninth Post:

Day 15, 16, and 17: I will start with something that just happened as #15 Thankful there is not a whole in the side of the house as we just had our very own earthquake caused by a tree falling down and hitting the side of the house. Not seeing any leaks, no broken windows, smashed our new gutters though. Now we just need to find someone with a chain saw, so we can be thankful for the borrowed equipment and or help. #16 Is thankful that Josiah learned his colors. If you say can you hand me the ___ M&M he can do it, but if you say what color is this M&M he won't tel you the color. If you say the name of the color he can repeat it back to us. #17 Really thankful for cloth diapers because we can just wash and reuse instead of spending a ton of money on diapers. Otherwise we would be going through so many diapers lately IDK what we would do. We honestly could not could not afford diapers anyways.

Tenth Post:

An update and then my days of thankfulness are at the end: Yay! so we did end up getting medicaid to pick up LM's ABA cost that was not covered by our insurance. We are thankful we have insurance and medicaid bc otherwise ABA is 160 a day, 5 days a week. We also just might be getting SSI. We got a call saying we would temporary receive some benefits(IDK if this month or next as we still have more papers to fill out about rent and how much Jason receives in wages) while waiting for the medical side to approve him, we are hopeful that the medical side will approve him and we will continue to get benefits. We are aware some people started receiving and then got denied and stopped getting payment and had to reapply then get approved. I am praying we are not one of those cases. The benefits we receive will be much appreciated, as we have a TON of unpaid medical bills for things that are just not covered by insurance or medicaid(in LM's case). We also have other monthly medical expenses like LM's drink thinkener every month that is of course even though it is needed to keep him out of the hospital is not considered medical. We are not sure of the amount we will be getting yet, but anything will help. I am hoping we have enough to help pay of medical bills and make it a little easier to afford rent, food and Josiah's swimming pass at kroc. We also are reapplying for food stamps in hopes that we do not have to say well we can not get that extra stuff LM needs bc we can not afford it this week(so once we are officially approved for SSI and or food stamps we need to get back with the other and let them know we are receiving the other one). Kind of behind on my days of thankfulness as well have 18, 19, 20, 21, and 22 to do. I will say 18 and 19 are pretty much covered by medicaid and temp SSI which is still helpful even if we do not get full approval right now. Day 20: Thankful for a warm roof over my head Day 21: Thankful for my dad who helps to get us some places after Jason goes to work, so we do not always have to take the bus. Day 22: Thankful for people who accept my son for who he is and love him. So thank you to all the family, friends, people on this page who don't have to care about LM but make the choice to. I am thankful that Lolo plays with LM when he is swimming with Michael (swim instructor) and that they both care so much about him and that LM cares about and even misses them both when he is not swimming with him. I am sure Josiah can not wait until he gets to see Lolo again.

Eleventh Post:

Day 23 and 24 of thankfulness: Day 23 I am thankful for the overtime hubby has been getting lately, will make Christmas a bit easier. Day 24: I am thankful that the new really cheap waterproof phone cover not only tested well phone free before hand but took amazing video today at the pool. Going to have to upload to YouTube to share with everyone in the page.

Twelfth Post:

Day 25: I am thankful I have a husband who can cook. he made some yummy pizza and I do not mean he threw a frozen pizza in the oven. I mean made the dough then added toppings and placed in oven. Josiah loved it so much he was made his fork was not working for him so he would take some pieces out to eat and other times he had his face right in the bowl eating.

Last few days of thankfulness:

Day 26-30. Day 26: Thankful LM is too young to realize that one of the fish died. Day 27: Thankful we were able to find and successfully make a crestless pumpkin pie. Day 28: Thankful we were able to spend time with Jason's family for thanksgiving and that Josiah had fun. Josiah might have not ate much, but he still enjoyed seeing his uncles, papa, nana and a cousin. Day 29: Thankful I was able to spend some time with my sister and mother and get some really great deals in the process. Got things for a price I would rather spend on items then what is normally expected for items we were in need of for Christmas or just otherwise in need of, like socks. Day 30: Thankful LM  was so great with helping put up ornaments and let mommy clean the tree(had to clean each individual branch bc it was never in a container when put in the basement last year). Also, thankful that when he found and held a glass bulb too tight that he did not actually get a piece of glass in his hand.

Acceptance

 I have talked about how we have come to the conclusion that Josiah has autism and where he is at now with therapy and swimming, but I have never touched on the journey to acceptance much. I really do think I need to share that it wasn't just like waking up and thinking okay, he may have autism and well that is fine with me because that is the way God made him. It was a process that took time. 

When Josiah was younger something always seemed off with how he interacted with me and other people. I had put this off as being possibly because he was breastfed and I did not know many people who breastfed. I also put off his insane need to be swaddled all the time and tightly for the same reason. As he got older I wondered if he did have a delay of some sort. I had even made comments like "he seems socially off, somehow". I just could not put my finger on it. Even though I had know about autism, I mainly knew about the typical autism. The low functioning or middle ground functioning, but did not know anything about the higher function type or that there could be autism without repetitive movements.

I did dawn on me eventually that he may have autism. I started asking ?'s to some people that knew their kids had autism and got mixed answers on my child's behavior being normal or not. I went back and forth with the he has it, to no way he has it, and back to maybe he does. We got a hold of an early on program and although they felt he was showing some signs of autism they said they do not like to label a child so early and that we would have to wait until preschool. Luckily before then Jason and I had come to the conclusion that he probably had autism and that we were not going to take a wait and see kind of approach, since that is never the best approach to take with young children and brain development.

Through the place not diagnosing him and knowing how far behind he really was, I went through some tough times. At 17 months he had the evaluation and he was: 13-15.5m for thinking learning and play; 5-5.7m for speech and language; 10-11.5m for relating to parents, self and others; 5-5.7m for emotions and feelings; 13-15.5m for self help and coping skills; 8.5-10m for fine motor; and 11.5-13m for gross motor. Almost everything he was more than half of his age. I started wondering where I went wrong, what did I do wrong, why me, why my child. I was going to school for Early Childhood Education and could teach other kids skills, but not my own. My child was behind and by a lot. He might have autism. Why me? I did everything that you were supposed to and nothing you were not supposed to during pregnancy and I have know people to drink and smoke and all kinds of things and their children turned out perfect to be perfect health. We had already dealt with so many health issues his first year of like I was kind of just hoping that instead of him having the delays because of autism that he was behind because of all the health issues and being born early. I honestly did not trust my ability to take care of a child with special needs. I had done all sorts of thing with children, but I was not confident in the area of Special needs. I talked to a wise friend of mine about how I was feeling a why me moment and I did not really want to be there, but just needed some venting and she shared with me a really good video that helped me a lot.

See because on top of feeling the why me and denying he had autism I also was feeling loss. Loss of my child and loss of his future. I wondered if he would graduate high school in a normal class or special ed like my father. I worried he would not go to college, get married, or be able to live on his own. I wondered if he would ever talk and why I could not just have all the regular mommy experiences. I already knew I missed out on a lot of eye gazing lovelyness when he was a baby, but I still wanted to have what every other mom gets to have. The ability to have their child grow up and make a choice on their own and not to have it taken away from them prematurely. I wanted him to choose if he stayed in high school and graduated with the hopes that he would since my parents were the first in my family to even graduate and now only a few cousins have followed suit as well. I had hopes he would choose to go to college, but would support him in any way I could if for some reason it was just not the correct fit for him. I had hopes that he would fall in love, get married, move out, have children of his own, so I too someday can be called grandma. You plan and think of all of these things normally before a child is even born. Not to mention the in between moments where you hope they will have the choice to play a sport if they wish. I know my family never had the money to allow me to do any extra activities after school. My wise friend also shared a book with me D iz for Different. By the time I had read the book I had already gone through the stages of acceptance several times over and gone back again. 

After reading the book I made the decision I was going to stay at acceptance as long as and as much as I could. I was also going to live in the here and now. Not in the past on what I might have done wrong or what I missed out on or on the future which is never guaranteed anyways. By focusing on the now and not worrying about the future or past it did several things. First, I was honoring God more: I was trusting our future to him and I had also actually accepted that even if my son was not going to be higher functioning in society that he would still be a part of God's family and in a way I dedicated his life to him. I was also able to honor him by trusting him more, it was not what I did or what I learned that has helped us get to where we are now or where we will be in the future. He is our guide.  Second, I was able to focus more on what my son is doing now, what is going on now, and the little accomplishments most parents do not give much attention to, I was able to notice and love them all. Focusing on the now has made me a better mother. 

I have always know that autism was not the end of the world; however embracing the new world was a hard and scary experience that has taken a lot of faith/trust, but embracing it has been so wonderful. I have embraced it so much now that if there was a magic pill to take away his autism, I just would not do it. To me so much of him that makes him, who he is today and which made me, who I am today is mainly thanks to his autism. Yup, I said thanks to, it has opened my eyes and changed me; It has made me a better, more patient, and more understanding person (because of course patients comes from understanding in most cases). I know that through whatever it is that Josiah will go through in life it will help to make him who he will be, both the good and bad. Also, that with me accepting him fully, autism and all and not wishing there was a magic pill, he too will be be more able to accept himself fully for who he is. I will do what I can to help him learn and to help him cope with things and to learn how to deal with the world around him, but I am not trying to change him.

What The....

*trigger warning if you have ever been sexually abused this might trigger old memories*

Sorry this blog post is not mainly about Josiah, the last paragraph is but unless you read the rest you probably will not get why I say, what I say in the last paragraph.

Like most people I have people on my friends list from high school and since their stuff pops up in my news feed I occasionally read them. Well, I once came across this "I stopped a girl from getting rapped today" then a comment how did you do that? "self control man, self control" was his reply back! To which the other person replied something to the point that he thought it was funny. Like really rape is funny. Needless to say this person was blocked from my list since my sister had said that he had posted something else a different time joking about rape and people were telling him it was not funny, yet he continues to do it. I seriously do not care what a women is wearing, she could be completely nude and that does not give a man the right to rape her. Neither does the women being his girlfriend or even his wife. No means, no! It should not need to be said more than once.

This kind of crap seriously ticked me off. Not only for the above reasons, but due to my past. Just a semi-quick overview that I have shared for classes that we had to discuss sexual abuse in and another where some classmates thought that we shouldn't have to do background checks on church nursery employees because they are members of the church(they figured if you are part of the church body you should be forgiven for all past mistakes, but in my eyes if someone sexually abuses children and even if they are saved again you do not put them in the nursery that would be like handing a past alcoholic a bottle of liqueur and just hoping he does not drink it-being saved does not make it so you no longer sin so why even take the chance with children), but I have never shared this to a vast range of people.

Here we go

As a child before I was even 8 I was molested (for those of you who do not know that term it means touch in a sexual way). I know it was only know it was sometime before I was 8 because I broke my leg then and the first time it happened was before that had happened. One of my mom's friend's husband had laid on top of both me and my middle sister. Fully clothed but none the less not something you do to a child. I will spare the great detail my brain still to this day holds of this moments and the others to come. Person number two was sometime after I broke my leg and was my youngest sister's father. He would come in nightly and kiss us (my middle sister and I goodnight) and would touch both of us under our clothes. Once I finally found out that this was happening to her too, I made a plan to tell my mom the next day. We did and he was arrested and we were brought in a courtroom which was so scary at a young age. Number three and four were teen boys, much, much older than I with the whole you touch me I touch you kind of crap. Number four was another mom's friend's husband and thankfully it was a failed and attempt (on multiple occasions), but he was latter arrested for molesting his step children. Then number one was still around and this time decided to molest me during a sleep over of all girls, while they slept so no clue how many people he touched then. Number five had hit me once and molested my top half with a if I touch you I won't touch your sister, (was only living with my middle sister by now, mom lost custody) so took one for saving her  from having to go through it. By now I was so full of hate. Some of these men,were supposedly "good Christian men". Go to church every Sunday involved in many parts of the church type of people. When I was eleven; so full of hate, distrust, and such great sadness a 16 yr old moved in\visited an apt we lived in a lot. I am sure he could see I hated the world and so the grooming began (now I do not mean hygiene. It is a term when a predator picks a target and begins to get them and or their family to trust them.) It first started with cards and movies with the family. Then bike rides, outings to the parks and other stuff. This was not his first rodeo, he knew what he was doing. He was more than likely taught by his father who although never came near me had been molesting/having sex~statutory rape with young girls for years. Eventually the I love you, I want to go out with you, I want to be your only one kind of lines came. At first, with no positive response, but sometime before I had turned twelve we started "dating" and loads of predators do the whole we are dating thing. Molesting soon began and I trusted him, thought someone truly cared. Now in the 5th grade my mom opted me out of sex ed (I am all for early sex ed). Well, wish I was not. Maybe that would have made a difference, but maybe not. Sometime soon after I turned twelve my virginity was lost which I regretted the decision before, during, after; just felt I had no choice. If you want to think every girl who loses their virginity at twelve is a slut then I am sorry you have such a twisted mind (sadly this has been said about me). This "relationship" lasted over FIVE years. When I was sixteen and made the decision that waiting for marriage for sex was a better thing to do (which was hard to do since he was emotionally abusive), he took what he wanted from me anyways. I forgave him and reasons we were dating and I shouldn't expect him to go from almost daily, to no more. Yes, I was basically raped daily with some exceptions of times when he was gone from (age wise statutory rape and I never did give true consent ever-felt guilt and shame every time as if I was doing something wrong and it ate away at me) twelve to sometime after I was sixteen. This relationship if I must call it that was soon ended with a threat to my life. Details of how a later met hubby is in a past post, so won't re explain.

Today

I have not been and still not that great at trusting people, so sorry to some if you want to call me cold or bitter (yes, I have been called cold and bitter). Which are words I honestly wouldn't use to describe myself. I have worked hard not to let my past rule my present and my future. It is just really hard at times to trust completely. My hubby has my trust, but few people beyond that. Even something as simple as hugging is sometime difficult for me. I have been working on that so much though. Dating Jason, getting married and then having Josiah has helped me overcome much of my past; Although, this was extremely difficult in many ways. I also have had the hardest time wearing skits since I was rapped in a skirt. It has taken forever to be able to wear skits and dresses again and even now I still wear shorts or leggings underneath even if they are ankle length dresses. I even had the worst time getting over touching Josiah's diaper area enough to do needed creams or wiping. Oh and then breastfeeding and even in public (took a lot to get courage to do this-wonder why I feel so strongly about it now?, I have gained my body back through my choices!-I do if for he best of my child and not to just show off). I will strive to teach him to be a better man then almost all of them in my life and hopefully no cycle will be continued with him. I will fight as hard as I can to protect him from predators and will fight to get any sentenced if they decide to over step their bounds (hubby has much harsher words and feelings on what would happen)! I have been working on this post for a while and having a hard time even pushing the publish button, but I have learned before that through great tragedy comes great things! Like a phoenix rising born out of the ashes.

Been Awhile

Busy, busy, busy

It has been awhile since I have posted. Been very very busy. The typical day is normally busy:
Mon, Wed, Fri up at 8 two hours for breakfast and getting ready to leave the house, and getting to ABA therapy which starts at 10 and ends at 12(we normally sit and wait for him to get out: daddy sleeps and mommy reads a book) then we go home eat and do any other cleaning that needs to be done. Daddy has to be to work at 3 so by 2 we leave the house for LM and I to go swimming. He normally takes about 10 min to get ready, swims for an average of 30 min and then showers/getting ready to leave is about 30 min(longer if people pound on the family restroom door because he freaks out and will not leave the shower then). Then it is a half hour walk to the bus stop, bus ride, and another 15min walk to the house. We normally are home about 4:30 and he naps on my lap(or he will not sleep) then we get dinner. Maybe some laundry put away depending on the day/if mommy has homework or anything else to get done. Tue and Th are only different from this in the fact that we get up at 7a so I can get to class by 9 and Josiah gets to his apt by 9:30 out by 11:30 and then mommy is out at 1p. Soon we will be up at 7a tue, wed, th and I will not be out until 1:30 so getting ready for swimming will be even more rushed.

Update on everything:

Yard work/itchy results

Mon I did a ton of yard work from racking up a bunch of stuff and sweeping the patio to installing a fence (with help from roommates and my father).  The neighbors had cut down a bunch of small trees along our fence line so I went along the fence line taking care of the fallen branches they could not reach from their side. Well, when they cut down these trees a not so nice thing happened. Poison ivy fell on my side of the fence as well. I grabbed it with bare hands and arms. I have had poison ivy once before when I was a child, so by tue night I started to itch and by wed morning I officially had a poison ivy rash all down my right arm and some on my left arm. At this point I thought I was having an allergic reaction to being bit by a spider or fleas(found out otherwise Friday with a trip to the doctor). I am still hoping/praying that Josiah does not react. It can take 7-15days for first time exposure to get a rash. I am taking a steroid because it is so bad the doctor said an ointment would do no good. On an even more horrible note Josiah wanted to breastfeed not to long after yard work and since soap and water does not fully clean off the poison of poison ivy, I have the rash on the underside of both of my breasts as well. ITCHY, ITCHY, ITCHY!!! Which is why I even more hope he does not get an reaction to it since it will be all over his face! Today was the second day of the steroid and it is working a little bit, have to take it for 10 days. 5 pills for two days, 4 for two, 3 for two, and so on. I did some reading that with as high of a dose I am taking he can get very very small amounts of it through my milk. We took off of swimming fri and today as well so I am not sure if it is the small amount of meds he is getting or the lack of swimming that has caused him to go insanely hyper today. now normally Josiah is really quite and clam. He could sit down and look at books all day long, but today he has been running around like a mad man, throwing things, and banging on things with toys.

Language

We have been having a lot of mimic language from him lately. It has been so wonderful. Last week we stopped by to see his swim instructor real quickly to drop off his thumb drive we borrowed and let him borrow Josiah's swim book that came in. When we left he said buh bye Micheal. Not when he was right in front of him, but when we were at a window that looks out over the pool, then again when we left through the doors of the hotel. He has been attempting to say all kinds of things from garbage truck, fire truck, tow truck, and all kinds of other things from his books that he has been really loving this week. Daily he has been getting out Around the farm by Eric Carle that has tons of animals with sounds and trucks(which is not within view so not sure who it is by(I know it is an easy flip book). He has been giving more hugs(leaning his head into people and wanting kisses when he does this). We somewhat had a conversation that consisted of Him: dada Me: dada is at work Him: papa Me: papa is sleeping him: dada me: dada is at work him: papa Me papa is sleeping...and this went on for quite a few more times. He has been requesting to eat and once even climbed up to the table himself and started to eat the food that I was trying to get him to eat earlier. He has been requesting to drink by either saying cup or aqua(we say water and he says ah wa). He has been making plenty of animal sounds and car noises as he wheels his trucks and cars around and down his slide! It has been an amazing chance since we first started his therapy at hope network. We have not even had speech in almost 5 weeks since they clashed with my class schedual and did not have any spots open and then they are now on spring break.

Here is a video with some of his language

Stolen Phone

Someone stole my phone and took a picture of themselves so I know and the cops know exactly who took it. If I do not get my phone back it will be 100 to replace it! Not what I really want to pay right now. Hubby and I have discussed turning on the phone and sending a message to it/him and then turning it back off again. The message would look something like this(with picture attached): "We know what you look like and the kroc center caught you on camera as well. It is only a matter of time before they turn over the footage of you leaving the bathroom with the phone, along with your home address and the photo I sent you. The only way to right this wrong is to return the phone to the kroc center. Did you see that picture of that boy on the front of the phone? He has a lot of health issues and there is very important medical information on the phone about him. Would you want to responsible for what might happen if we do not have the information we need? Did you not see that calendar full of appointments? They are all his. It was really wrong of you to take the phone, I am sorry that I even forgot it in the bathroom. My son was freaking out (one of his health issues is autism), he does not do well with even the littlest of changes, like me having to use the bathroom before we go swimming. We have already filed a police report, but I am sure if the phone is returned they will view it as you borrowing the phone and not stealing it. If you get rid of the phone they already have evidence you took it, so that will do you no good. "

Contests

We entered into two photo contests(both pictures of Josiah). The first we entered into was ISR that did not start until Mon but ended on Wed. The second we entered the day it began last week Sat. The ISR one we were in 4th when it ended and did not win anything. The tip toes photo contest is still going until next Sat. He was in first for almost the first week but the last few days he keeps falling between 1st-4th place and back again. Hopefully he has a good hold on first place right now with 1635 points(you can 5 star the picture for 5 points each vote), second place has 1504 and third has 1466. 


~really tired so off to bed now, just figured I would give a general quick update~

Praying Autism Away?!, Blessings, Thankfulness, Breastfeeding....and A Little On Guilt

Praying autism away?!:

I know I have had some this discussion on Facebook before, so I apologize if you have seen it on there before. I am a Christian. I do believe in miracles, but to tell me that I should take my son to a prayer room to heal him of his autism to me is inconsiderate. I have been told the staff at the nursery (both the volunteers and the actual paid staff). I have been told to take him to the healing room for his gluten allergy and my gluten allergy as well. The way I feel is I would not be allergic to wheat among the others if it was not genetically altered by....humans not God. I am just fine not eating wheat. Then when it comes to the autism. I love Josiah just the way he is. I am sure if God wants him to advance he can do so through his therapy. In many, many ways Josiah is different in a REALLY GOOD way! As challenging as it might be at times with him having autism, it makes him who he is and made me the mother I have become today. I do not see it as a curse to be healed but as a blessing. I accept Josiah for who he is, ALL of him, not just I accept you, but not your autism so I am just going to pray it away. I have accepted he has autism. Like I stated before the way that kids with autism view the world differently should be a wake up call to the rest of us. They seem to be closer to God then we are. Most special needs individuals seem to be. They are not as selfish and many other characteristics that not only make them beautiful in their own way, but usually more beautiful then we can be when the flesh has clouded our judgment/decisions/choices for life. 

Blessings:

Most parents do not appreciate the little things when it comes to their children. Things like daily smiles, hugs, eye contact, and their children just talking to them. I am thankful for every smile, every time he looks me in the eyes or anyone for that matter. I am so happy he connected with his swim instructor so nicely. That was so nice to see. 

Thankfulness:

I am also SO very thankful for our breastfeeding relationship. Not many parents who have the same issues we have/had were able to continue. I do not feel I am extended breastfeeding, but just doing what is natural and what has been done from the beginning of time. It is God designed and does not need help from man(formula). I am thankful there is formula to help babies who have no access to breast milk. I helped a couple of families by donating breast milk to them to help them get some of the much needed goodness that breast milk is.

Less then a month

The switch:

I feel so strongly about breastfeeding I even switched from a church I attended for seven years. I was asked to either cover or leave the sanctuary and at the time my son was eating every 30min and with the extended service they had there meant that he was eating 2-4times while there and if he fell asleep there was no way I was going to wake him up to return to service. I should not be force in a BOX to not be allowed to worship GOD the one who created breastfeeding just because as they put it: "I agree with you that breastfeeding is completely natural and shouldn't offend people when you do it. However, because the original sin corrupted the world, people are corrupted. Not everyone agrees about breastfeeding... you know this. The general concensus of our culture is this: Breastfeeding should be a modesty issue. If you wouldn't show someone your breasts when not breastfeeding, they shouldn't see them when you are breastfeeding." Well, because society does not agree with breastfeeding I should not do it???? Yah, society also believes getting drunk is fun....are they going to jump on that band wagon as well someday?!?! Of course when I was going through a tough time with Josiah's tongue tie I was also told to just bottle feed by the same people instead of receiving words of encouragement and love like you should from your church family. I am still hurt by this. Why, because they were like a second family for seven years of my life. They were my first church I attended for a long period of time. They were there when I got married (the pastor was the one who married us) and Josiah's baby shower. Though I was obviously not fully accepted and was doing nothing wrong/was not even doing anything sinful for the reason why I was not accepted. Heck, even if I was sinning, I do not think that pushing me away and not letting me in church would be the answer! Church is for sinners not perfect porcelain dolls! These kinds of views is the reason most people do not breastfeed for that long. The rate in America is so sad. It is only in America that breasts are viewed as such a sexual thing. No where else is it as big of an issues to breastfeed in public. Even in countries where a women covers herself head to toe besides her eyes for modesty can breastfeed in public! 

10 Months

TWO YEARS!! 

14 months-Used in breastfeeding calendar

14 Months

 July nine  will mark two years of breastfeeding for us, but I am thankful for every feeding every day and I am so happy we continued through tongue tie, lip tie (and all the issues that came with having both those issues), getting both clipped, dairy issues, reflux, anemia, premature birth, autism. Knowing how great that breastfeeding is for children with autism makes me even more thankful for the relationship. He is not very lovey/cuddly, but we have nursing for now. Even if it lacks in that eye gazing wonderfulness I see other mom's experience I am still very grateful for it. Even if he does not smile up at me, even though when he can not sleep at night he nurses half the night until I feel sore I am still grateful for that time we get together and that he getting good stuff for his brain. We have chosen to do baby led weaning and I would not change that decision or the decision to breastfeed and continue to breastfeed for anything.

22 Months

A must watch movie

Books I have enjoyed reading that have helped after finding out my son has autism:

D Iz for Different
 
This one describes a lot of stuff for any special needs parent goes through, well for any parent for that matter. There are a lot of good things even non-parents can pick up from this book as well. One of the quotes that described exactly what I went through as well:

"I was in a fog, a stunned state of disbelief. What happened here? I had already established my hopes and dreams for this beautiful young lady before she even breathed her first breath of air, and now they were shattered. All of a sudden I felt a heavy burden, as any parent would – how do I make it all better? Being a parent is already the toughest job in the world; let’s add another layer on top of that. A layer filled with the unknown- continual visits to doctors, specialists and therapists; skyrocketing medical bills; insurance adventures; IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meetings; heart wrenching worries, labels and surprises galore. During the days and months of this fog, there were more questions: Why? Why Me?, Why Her?, Why Us?".
Downs, Camilla (2013-04-26). D iz for Different: One Woman's Journey to Acceptance (Kindle Locations 325-333). Turning Views. Kindle Edition.

3500: An Autistic Boy's Ten-Year Romance with Snow White

This one I am still reading. I loved this one because the child was so much more happy and verbal at Disney World. I have found Josiah's Disney World and it is swimming. Although his son was not always happy with Disney World just like Josiah has been completely thrown off with changes in swimming, it is still the best thing for them at the time.  

Guilt:

I seen a seen a posted on one of the pages I am following on Facebook. It describes what far so many parents with children with special needs in general feel.  With autism there are so many things that people say "cause" autism like vaccines for instance. I have heard so many people beat themselves up for giving their kid vaccines and now they have autism. They are so full of guilt they can not even be there for their child because they feel they did it to them, they caused it. I did vaccinate Josiah, do I feel if gave him autism? Absolutely not! First off from the time he was born he hardly gave eye contact and even for the kids who do not show obvious signs until they are two I still do not feel vaccines caused it. They brain goes through so many changes around that age and that is just when it decides to show its self more. Josiah is coming up on two and even though we have been seeing progress I have also notice somethings that he did not do before. Like toe walking at times and heel walking too(seriously do not know if some kids with autism do that). I hope and pray he does not regress when he turns two, but if he did then we will just deal with it all then. I am not going to ignore the present worrying about the future or feeling guilty about my past. I really do wish that more parents would not have to feel so guilty about their child's autism. We are so lucky that our insurance covers all the therapy other than the copay which is still twenty a day, five days a week, with fifty-two weeks in a year that is $5,200 just in therapy a year, which is less then what we were thinking. Then discovering that swimming is his "snow white" is another 70 a month, until we find out if we qualify for a scholarship. We are paid up until the end of August; thankfully, with a summer pass. I can see how without insurance a parent would feel guilt on the amount of therapy they can afford. Not spending enough time with my husband was a big one for me. I even had people tell me our relationship was not healthy because of the amount of time we spent in bed together(my thought was we had a healthy relationship before marriage without sex, why does  marriage need LOTS of sex to be considered healthy), due to complications for birth that caused great pain, hubby working second shift and just plain tired from the every day stress of a child with special needs (this has gotten a lot better with Josiah swimming!). Well, we are still together and he is more than understanding on his end, he knows that being a good Christian leader is doing what is best for the family as a whole and not just what is best for him(this is what I love about my husband so much). Oh and do not get me wrong on thinking that I do not believe a marriage does not need sex. I know God designed if for marriage. 80% of marriages with a child with autism end in divorce. We promised each other forever and we would like to keep it that way. Yes, we have had the discussion about that high number and we vowed again to each other and God to be that 20% Mark 10:7-8; "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh"!

32 Months-Hubby was taking a while to take picture so caught a half smile