It Is Wrong to Kill a Child, a Special Needs Child Does Not Give You a Get out of Jail Free Card.

There have been a couple of national news stories now about children being murdered one successful the other not. On both when the word is out that the child is autistic it goes from the mother should die to the poor mother she must have reached her breaking point. I have really hard days, even weeks with Josiah and never once does the thought of taking his life cross my mind. One mother used the excuse that her child (Issy) could overpower her where as the second victim (London) was just a small 6-year-old. The mothers' names are not worth mentioning. There is no excuse for murdering a child! It is horrible that these women were even bloggers and got their message out there, then society puts to light on the news articles that instead of wanting max sentence they are going to scream for mercy on those who murder their children. Society I beg you to change your view on this!

*The message below was written as an editorial for a class I had. I feel it should actually get published on my blog now.*

Killing a child is wrong. Why would a child with special needs who is even more vulnerable be any different? They are even more dependent upon the people around them for their needs to be met. It is obvious that killing a child is seen as the most horrendous form of murder by society, but then when a child has special needs it all changes in the majority of societies minds. It is seen as a mercy killing or that the poor parent reached their breaking point and could not handle the situation anymore. The parent is praised and the child is demonized and seen as the cause of the disaster. Life as a parent is difficult with or without a child having special needs so why is it seen differently in the eyes of society. It shouldn’t be different according the law, the Bible, and the options that parents have.

Our laws, that we have in place treat children with disabilities with equality. They have the right to a free public education that is the least restrictive to their abilities through the education act IDEA.  A person is not allowed to be discriminated at a job due to a disability they have. Why are parents allowed to then treat their kids badly either with abuse or murder because they have a disability and most of society, let it slide as the child just being too demanding of the parent special needs parent. Because our laws also support that children with disabilities be treated as equals as those without it also means that all other laws apply to those with disabilities. Murder except in the case of self defense or service in the military is illegal in all states of the United Sates along with many other countries.

The Bible teaches that you shall not murder (Deuteronomy 5.17). It does not give exception for the mercy of others. John 9:1-3  states that a person has special needs not because they have sinned or that their parents have sinned, but so that the works of God might be displayed in them. God arranged each of the members of the body as he chose (1 Corinthians 12.18). God is the one who makes everyone exactly as they are. He can make a child with special needs or one who is not (Exodus 4:11).

Last, but certainly not least there are so many other options for parents out there. If the law and moral right does not sway a parent or society from seeing how killing a child with special needs is just as wrong as killing a child without, then think about how there are still other options out there then to kill a child. If a child has become too much for a family to handle their needs, then instead of removing the child from the world and taking the life that belongs to them, they should let them have their life with another family who can, by placing the child up for adoption. There are many families out there willing to take children in with special needs and even some families searching for certain special needs that other children in their family already have, since they are already equipped to handle the needs of that child. 

Killing a child should never be the last resort out of a situation. Society, I urge you to stop screaming “bad  parent” to the parent who gives their child up for adoption when they can’t handle the circumstances and then screaming “mercy killing” to the parent who chooses to kill their child they cannot handle. It sends the message that killing your child is seen as a better option than giving a child up for adoption. I urge you to view killing a child with special needs as a horrible act, just like killing a child who does not have special needs is seen as. Children are gifts to the world no matter what their abilities are. Loving a child enough to give them up instead of killing them is the biggest selfless act of love.

Swimaversary Part One

On April 8th, 2014 Josiah has been swimming for a year. We decided to celebrate his swimaversary with some other pages. I mentioned that it has changed his and our life/lives forever. I wanted to go in more detail with what I mean by that. I have talked about swimming and loving it in several posts. I have not gotten down and talked strictly about the benefits and how it has helped. I will share what I viewed and even share some links for things that are not so visible that I have learned through information I have learned over time. I will also share each of these in a separate blog no matter how long or short so the whole thing will not become overwhelming to read all in one blog post. :)

*ok I started this shortly after his swim aversary, but with no swimming, end of semester craziness, and a few other things that have pushed it to the sidelines I am just now getting to writing more on it*

Self Control 

I will start with the first one we noticed. Better self control. This was seen through a couple of changes. The first thing that he started began when he was 11 months old. He started climbing to high heights for his age and it was not only a daily, but multiple times a day kind of thing. He did not even start walking until he was 16 months because of course why walk when you can climb everything. His climbing started to lessen and become not as common of a occurrence in the house. The second think that became less of an issue I have already posted about in the blog post Sometimes I Forget, which goes into great detail about how his tantrums and meltdowns had lessened with swimming/had been almost no existent. The only case when they would show up is when he had an outside source that would trigger it. He used to have meltdowns/self harm due to lack of activity. This is one of the reasons we have so many toys for him to choose from. He always has to be busy doing something. If he gets board he gets into self harm. Biting himself leaving marks, pinching, throwing himself on floor, head butting the floor or walls. He will bite chairs, games, toys or other objects when he is board or angry. All of this calmed down with swimming and picks back up every time we stop swimming. We have been off for three weeks now and he has hit another kid at therapy, threw a toy towards someone there and has picked up increased anger outburst at home as well. Kroc center has started their new hours so I am extremely thankful for that. Sadly we can not start this week because of me. Without going into too much detail I will just say I do not feel well and AF is not so nice this month.

Any parent I am sure can tell you self control in a little one is hard and any ASD parent can tell you it is a huge thing. Self control over outbursts(the ones that can be controlled) is just really HUGE. I was so relieved that I was not as worried about another self harm episode being around the corner. With less self harm and him more aware of his surroundings as he was not going into constant meltdowns he began to learn/grow/mature. He was picking things up at an astounding rate and still is which brings us to another benefit that I will talk about next...

Cognitive Development

Part three is on sleep (link also available at bottom of part two if you want to go in order they were written).

How To Deal with Aggressive Behaviors in Children...

Ask Yourself: 

1. What happened prior to the event/behavior?
2. What noticeable physical signs did the child give?
3. What are the “Telltale signs?”
4. How do you respond to each child individually?

The States of Mind: 

1. The anxious state
2. The agitated state
3. The aggressive state
4. The assaultive state
5. The open state

The Anxious State: 

What Do You Look For?

• Be aware of each child’s individual cues.
• Telltale signs: Tears, blushing, clenching teeth, withdraw, whining, screaming etc.
• Feeling alone, confused, feeling conflicted.
• Children may say things such as “no one loves me, no one wants me, I’m no good, I don’t like it here” etc. • Our response can either take the child back to the competent state or they will move to the agitated state. 

How Do You Respond?

• Use door openers, gentle comments or questions.
• Ask open-ended questions.
• Validate and paraphrase the child’s thoughts and feelings.
• Reframe the child’s statements, making them more positive.
• Responding to the need within the child’s message.
• Pay attention to your tone of voice and your body language.

The Agitated State: 

What Do You Look For?

• If a parent/teacher does not respond to a child’s signs of anxiety a child’s behavior can move to agitation.
• There are 2 levels of agitated behavior: teaching response and limiting response.
• We need to understand the difference between the two before we respond.
• At the first level children are beginning to lose control, their strong emotions confuse their thinking and they don’t know how to handle their feelings. You can still respond at this level by teaching. At the second level the child is feeling antagonistic and no longer responds to what you are saying or doing.

2 Levels of Response

The Teaching Response: 

o Letting a child know their behavior is unacceptable and teaching what is acceptable.
o Be positive.
o The parents/teachers response should tell the child what TO DO, not what NOT to do.
o Use I-messages (I feel when you, not you make me )
o Avoid the Why questions.

The Limiting Response:

o Control is the issue here.
o At this stage a child can either move back to the competent state or go into an aggressive state.
o Education is no longer an issue, the issue is power.
o Your job is to create a win-win situation.
o Our goal at this level is to get children to stop, think and regain control.
o Two basic limiting responses: the interrupt or the options statement.
o The interrupt you interrupt what the child is doing/distract them in another way. An example a child is standing on the table and you get out a puzzle and talk aloud about how awesome the puzzle is and that you need someone to help you do the puzzle.
o The options statement is a ___ or ____ statement with the first part having what you want the child to do and the second half containing a consequence for not doing the first part. An example put away your toys or I will pick them up for you and they will be going away for the rest of the day.

The Aggressive State: 

What Do You Look For?

• The child is out of control.
• He or she doesn’t hear or understand anything you say.
• The behaviors are random.
• The actions aren't really directed at anyone.
• The aggression can be both verbal and physical.
• Reasoning no longer works.
• The child is driven by emotions.
• Have a goal in mind for this child at all times when he/she reaches this point.

How Do You Respond?

• You must use your non-verbal skills to communicate with the child and deescalate the behavior.
• The child is acutely aware of your physical presence and your body is your most useful tool. (don’t use your size to threaten!)
• Don’t let your emotions draw you into a power struggle. Stay calm!
• Distance yourself physically, don’t face the child directly and you might have to avoid eye contact.
• By doing these things, using your clear mind, your averted eyes just might surprise the child, interrupt his/her cycle and deescalate the behavior.

The Assaultive State: 

What Do You Look For?

• The child’s actions are no longer random.
• Even if you are not the cause of the behavior, you may become the target.
• This situation will require all of your verbal and non-verbal skills.
• Have an emergency plan that involves the others in the room.
• Be prepared to remove the other children or the child with the assaultive behaviors.
• Place yourself instead of other children in the room in her line of target.

 How Do You Respond?

• Have an emergency plan with other co-workers and if necessary with the other children in your classroom. • Practice this plan.
• Be prepared to move the other children because sometimes moving the child with the assaultive behaviors just adds fuel to the fire. 

The Open State:

• This is after a child is coming off an aggressive or assaultive state.
• This is a time for debriefing and for learning.
• The child will need some private time with you.
• Remember that the child is the focus and the child needs to do the talking.
• The child isn’t the only one who is vulnerable! Check your own emotions at this time too!

Simple techniques to help curb aggressive behaviors

Hands and feet on the wall.

o To do this, create a “safe spot” for the child with aggressive behaviors.
o Trace their hands and their feet and then laminate.
o Put their hands on the wall at their height and their feet on the floor.
o Any time they get aggressive tell them they can go stomp on their feet or press on their hands.
o If a child punches with a closed fist you may need to pad the wall.

Heavy lifting/weighted blankets

o Some children need to pick something up, move something, or have something heavy on their laps in order to concentrate.
o When using a weighted bucket give the child a specific task to complete. Not only does this give them a gross motor outlet but it allows the brain to concentrate on something else.
o Weighted blankets are good for children as well if they need help sitting still or keeping their hands to themselves.
o Deep tissue pressure works in some children.

Sensory boxes 

• Some children with aggressive tendencies benefit from time alone with a sensory box.
• In this box you will want items that:
o The child doesn’t have access to on a regular basis in the classroom
o Things that are just for that child o Things that are of different textures, sizes, shapes
o Items such as felt, a koosh ball, a tennis ball, cotton, fidget toys etc.
o Make the item personal for the child
• Some tools can be found here

Behavior modification techniques

• Visual cues and charts o Giving a child with aggressive tendencies visual cues or a visual chart to follow helps them to break the day down into small segments.

Transition puzzle

o To make a transition puzzle all you need is a piece of cardboard, like the bottom of a pizza box.
o Trace out the puzzle pieces and label each one a different transition that occurs on a daily basis that you want that child to master.
o As the child successfully completes the transition they get to add that piece of their puzzle.

*The book: Challenging Behavior in Young Children by Barbara Kaiser and Judy Rasminsky 2nd ed. was used as a guide*

Keys to becoming a parent/teacher who can handle the aggressive child (Dr. Becky Bailey, conscious Discipline)

• When a parent/teacher loses control NO ONE WINS.
• Parents/teachers should:
o Focus on what they want the child to accomplish
o Celebrate the child’s successes and choices
o See situations from the child’s perspective
o Creatively teach the child how to communicate
o Hold the child accountable for those teachings
• With two willing participants, power struggles escalate. Power struggles always require two willing participants!
• Help the child feel powerful!
• What you focus on you get more of!
• Whomever you have placed in charge of your feelings, you have placed in control of you!!! (this is HUGE as a parent/teacher)
• You are never upset for the reason you think you are.