Good Parenting VS Bad Parenting

When you become a parent you are suddenly are opened up to criticism from all. There are ideals for what makes a good parent. Do this,that or the other and you are a good parent. As in follow instructions like you are putting together a dresser. There all kinds of things that people tell you to do that will make you a good parent and things that you do that can make you a bad parent.

Good: Give your child plenty of fruits and veggies. Read so many books a day. Child reaching milestones on time/learning certain things at certain times. Spend x amount of time with your child each day doing x, y and z.

Bad: Too much junk food. Too much TV. Too much electronics anything.

This is just a small list because it is not even necessary to list these things so much in the first place. This is not even going into any other parenting choices like natural or crunchy choices. Just the basic everyday parenting stuff. If you think about it though, do these things actually make you a good or bad parent? Does following a set of instructions that you read or are told to do to your child or don't do with your child is what makes you a good or bad parent? I guess every child is the same then. They are just waiting for you to follow your instructions for you to be a good parent, so they can be a good child?

Now there are some basics like children shouldn't be abused, should be clothed, fed, have shelter, and love. I am a firm believer that if a child has their basic needs met like listed in the first sentence of this paragraph that instead of following some set of instructions you follow your child. Look at them and let them lead the way to how they learn and how they prosper. Everything is not as black and white/good and bad as some people believe. Their are gray areas.

Becoming a mom of a child with special needs has taught me that. I do not believe this is only true for special needs children, but for all. As a society today we are taught we must spend loads of time with our children to combat the fact that most people spend all their time on gadgets and not engaging with what is actually right in front of them. Some children do not prosper well and seem to be smothered by full attention all day long and others prosper from it.

Lets use Josiah for example. Now he has not met all standard milestones for his age, but he has met all the milestones expected of him. He has grown and grown beyond the bounds expected of him. His pediatrician is shocked and surprised at his growth. She even said with him in front of her that day she might have not given recommendation for getting him therapy. He has grown so much that in the future he might not need the help that he has needed in the past. His therapy is shocked at his growth and KNOW how we have worked with him at home. Every professional we work with that has known him for years talk about how we work so hard with him. To be honest the "work" we do with him does not seem that hard in deed, but instead have been doing what works for him not using what we think he needs to get where we think he should be. Following his lead on how he learns and how he grows and in his own time has been what has got us to where we are.

Sure he eats more chicken nuggets then he should, but he is staying on his own growth curve. He is not loosing weight because we think he should eat something that he might not eat. A year ago it was manly fruits and veggies and I could not get him to eat meat. Now he eats so many chicken nuggets and has cut back on the fruits and veggies. He is still growing he is still learning. He is maturing. We make offers of food and what he eats is what he eats. As a child with autism and particulars within himself I am not going to go with parenting advice of hold out and wait until he eats x, y,or z. He will eat when he is hungry. Well you see there is a problem with that as many children with autism have issues with telling if they are hungry or not. We have to tell Josiah it is meal time and ask if he wants something to eat and allow him to choose from what we have to offer. Chicken nuggets are always a choice and so are always there if he decides that what was cooked or what is for leftovers is not fitting for him at that moment. He gets his food and he eats it on his own time. Sometimes then and sometimes a bit latter.

When it is time to clean up he cleans up and he helps and he participates in our daily life of cooking and cleaning and is a part of everything we do. That being said he also gets time to himself. He is and introvert and naturally gets his energy from being alone and not with someone. If I was to follow his every move and constantly be talking to him and playing with him and coming up with things we should do, well he would burn out and I would burn out as we are both introverts. We both enjoy our time together and we also enjoy our time alone.Sometimes Josiah's time alone is playing with toys and other times it is electronics.

He loves to watch videos on garbage trucks and how different things work and move. I can not teach him what I do not know and although we could read a book together about things(which we have) watching a video seeing the visual of it all is how Josiah learns the best. He gets out his toy trucks and mimics what is going on with the big trucks. Repeating new words about new names of things I never knew about. We sometimes sit together and talk about what he is watching or what I am watching or doing. From watching even shows like Dr. Who Josiah has learned so much. He says what is that and I explain what it is. His therapy has said this is very good the accidental learning from environment is what they strive and work for. They want kids to learn from everything around them not just a certain time when they are expected to pick up and learn things.

I have been told by some that my parenting style makes me a bad parent. I have been told by many professions that they can tell that we do a lot with him in the right time and the right way. He is able to pick up on it and mature into him. Not just a cookie cutter expectation. There have been people impressed with his progress/maturity, his manners, his behavior, and just anything in general. Now I nor my husband can take full credit for his growth because like I said before he has shown us the way, he has lead us to learning what helps him to learn. My education and knowledge has helped some, but Josiah added the finishing touches. If he learns best form a visual he views by himself that is great. If he invites me to come and join in his learning that is wonderful. If I push that something is about learning more then fun and he breaks down and either grows board or is thrown into a meltdown how does that help anyone?

I look forward to seeing how Josiah grows and matures and how he becomes him. How he becomes himself. I am his parent not a parent of another child. I do not know what works for your child or your family. I just know what works for my child and as he is meeting all of his goals and is a very happy(for the most part, he is a child so he is not always happy with choices) and healthy child I would hope that what works for us is respected by others. If it isn't I guess your opinion doesn't matter in the first place and does not make the difference in the happiness level of our home. Josiah will be guided and taught towards become a wonderful person and we will respect that he is a wonderful child right now. We do not just focus on the future outcome, but in what is right in front of right now.

Social Situations

Hope for Josiah

I really hope that someday Josiah will be better in social situations then I am.  I dread group projects or speeches. This past semester was a great experience because I did have a group project. I have I guess just like Josiah had social opportunities when he is swimming to talk to people. This has helped me to open up to people a little, but still does not help much for me as it does him. I see changes in his social ability which is great. For me it takes for ever to get used to anyone. Sometimes I will say nothing just nod or say a few words when people are talking to me in person or even on the computer (typing is so much easier). Other times I will talk and talk and talk. Depends on the subject for the most part. Most of this social awkwardness does not apply to when I am with family and by family I mean my immediate family.

The Questions

I will more times then not walk away from talking to someone I do not know well and think: Did I say something stupid? Did I say what I wanted to say right? Did I break some social code I was not aware of? Did I say something the wrong way? Are they board or are they interested in talking? Am I talking too much? too little? too quite? too loud? I will even think back on something I said days or even months or longer and wonder if someone still thinks about how stupid I sounded (if I figured I said something that came out wrong).Logically I know the other person would not be thinking back on something so far back or even something I said not too long ago, but I still am like "grrr that totally came out wrong, social fail again, I wish this social stuff was so much easier then it is". This thought is not easily pushed aside when I have heard people say stuff about what I said. What is so sad is that even in the autism community negative things have been said, even though if their child was in same situation they would hope for acceptance. That in its self is kind of sad, that they want to scream acceptance for their child, but not accept autistic traits in an adult....their child will someday be an adult.

The Learning

I often will ask my husband did I write that out well/does that sound good/does that make sense when sending stuff to some people. Or will ask a friend is it ok to say this or that to (fill in who they are to me) and get opinions from other people on if it is socially acceptable or not. I have learned this way throughout the years. I have learned how to be social even though ti does not come naturally or anywhere near natural to me. I still wonder if I am doing it right. It is like if you learn how to  do something new and you check with your teacher to see if you are doing it correctly, but for me there is no social teacher out there. Josiah with his therapy has had help with learning at a younger age from his therapy which I know will do him much more good then me just navigating on my own. I have always just put my social awkwardness off to being shy and abused and nothing more then that. Now it kind of makes sense. I can remember when I was a kid not wanting to talk to people and so my parent's solution was to force me to order my own food if I wanted to eat out or to talk to whoever we come into contact with. I still will ask hubby to ask the waiter for something if we are out and part of this is because it makes me uncomfortable and another part of this is because well, I have not made eye contact with them once so I honestly could not pick our waiter out from the crowed of workers.

Situations

Other situations other then eating out that this becomes a problem. Well loads of places. Having to talk to a teacher about a problem I have. Questions are easier if done after class and not in front of everyone, so even being asked to express something by the teacher in front of class becomes a problem. With LM's Dr's for ex. The GI and WIC lady who are both so strong minded.When someone is so strongly opinionated and a very dominating person it makes it really difficult to get a single word in or to do anything other then sit and agree, even if I do not agree. I will a lot of times let things go like calling me by the wrong name or something just because (I honestly do not have an explanation for this one). I have issues starting conversations with people or sometimes even keeping a conversation going. I might go over something over and over and over in my head before I actually say it to someone. These types of things are exactly why there are studies out there about women who have autism finding themselves in abusive relationships more then the average. I myself have been there and am very happy to be with caring, loving man at my side now. Not out in front of me dragging me through whatever crap he sees fit to drag me through like my abusive ex that I met at way to young of an age. I am so happy hubby and I started to get to know each other online; otherwise, not sure how well meeting him would have gone. We are both kind of shy. The very first time we met in person he probably wondered why I was not talking to him hardly at all. I have opinions on things, but it is extremely hard for me to express them. I find it hard to for ex point out if a carseat is being used wrong according to the manual (even if the baby's life is at stake). Even though I am nice and do not think badly of many people I have still been called a cold person. I have still been called rude and other negative qualities I do not try to be, want to be, or even knew I was doing.

The Good

I have spoke up to some people about this when out and about and in the end I feel like adrenalin is rushing through me and I half stalked them before even bring it up. I have stood up for my ability to breastfeed my hungry baby in public. I have stood up for my son when he has needed someone to speak up for him. I have advocated for him far better then I could myself. This blog was created for him and I have expressed tons of stuff about him, but have never talked much about my self. Through my time with God(took a year off of no dating and no looking for anyone) and myself, getting married, and having Josiah I have found more of a voice for the people in my life and for myself. For the ability to say NO, I will not do that just because I am a nice person (I still kind of struggle with this one a lot, but is possible to say no sometimes now).