Supermom

I guest post from Em's Journey. You can find her on facebook here and find her blog here.

I am by nature fun loving, easy going with a touch of high strung at times, and I avoid conflict at all costs if at all possible. Conflict gives me anxiety. I struggle to confront situations that I need to and it builds inside until I feel like I’m going to explode. I’ve had my share of crying jags because I just can’t keep that mask of “being ok” on anymore.

I’m the person you meet and by all appearances, think she’s confident, articulate, and empowered. I carry myself in that manner. I’ve been called a Rocking Mom, Supermom, Wonder Woman, and any other alter ego that you can think of more times than I can count or remember. However, if push comes to shove, I cave.

Contrary to how I appear, I’m not confident in who I am or what I am capable of. I sometimes become so cripplingly inarticulate that I shut down. Here’s an example from just this morning. I had to take a test at work. I struggled to learn the material. I didn’t know how to get the information in my brain. It’s something that all employees have to know. I didn’t know how the test was going to be scored. I almost cried taking my husband to work. I was scared how I would do and freaked myself out all the way to my work. In the end, I did pretty well on the test surprising even myself. It’s when I allow those things to happen, to freak me out, empowered is nowhere near my personage.

That is unless you push my temper too far, or put my family at risk, and then I’m an atom bomb. It doesn’t happen often. When it comes to my children, Christian and Emelie have yet to find me back down from a fight. They know I have their backs, and when they are wrong, they hear it. Being a mom is never easy. Being a good mom is more than not being easy but rather a balancing act. Being a “Supermom” is being able to love your kids enough to enact “tough” love, to teach them respect and empower them, teach self discipline and fight for them against all odds.

I’ve come to that crossroad where I need to reconcile my two natures. I have tried for almost a year and reconciling my two natures is not easy. Being honest about who I am is hard enough because that means I’m taking that mask or facade down. I’m scared to be me. I want to show you who I want to be. For myself, I need to figure out how to be that person. I’m trying to be that Momma that everyone sees and knows that is in there. She’s deep down and letting her out scares me to death. Yet, I do it all the time in my own home.
I know who I am. I can be free to be myself in my own home. I am deep down, who I want to be. I have to trust myself to allow that confidence to carry over and maintain that empowerment. I know how to convey a message. I also know how to make my point and get it across tactfully the first time. It’s when it’s ignored that I need to allow Super Mom to step into her God given role. Raising our children to be productive members of society with adherence to cause and effect relationships. That is including consequences. That “tough” love has to carry over to include those that deal with our children.

I was talking with my friend Karen, bemoaning this topic of having two sides of me. How I felt like a Jekyll and Hyde. How it feels so “off”. She summed it with a good analogy. We are all a three sided coin: Top, Bottom and the Edge. Which side someone wishes to experience depends on how they treat us. It gives new meaning to being edgy.

Overall, I've discovered I’m ok with my two natures. I am trying to balance on that edge, but it’s ok to be both sides of me. As long as I remember to also be honest with myself as to who I am, and what I am capable of. Becoming that Da Dada DA SUPERMOM is easy because it’s in my nature. Letting her out, that’s where I need to let go of the guilt. Recognizing, I was balancing her, and was tipped on my side and this is the side chosen.

I think that the same can be said of many moms and dads out there that struggle with empowering themselves to be Super Parents. In actuality we aren't Super Parents. We are parents of Super Kids. That’s it plain and simple. We are Super Parents because that’s who our kids need us to be. Sometimes we go overboard and need to learn to step back. We need to learn that they have to fall. We have to be there to help them when they do.

The best part of all of this is that it feels kind of good too. To know that I’m not alone and that it’s not ok for now. Yet I know it will be, someday. And for all us parents having these same thoughts, we’ll know that our children will never be able to say that we gave up on them, EVER. Nor will all those other Super Parents out there because we see how each other fight for them. In reality, we aren't that unique. Really! Ask ANY parent who does what they need to do when they need to do it. They’ll tell you because if we don’t, who will.

Autism Sunday

Autism Sunday, also known as the International Day of Prayer for Autism and Asperger syndrome, is observed annually on the second Sunday of February. 

This year, that day is February 9th, 2014, one day before Micah's 5th birthday. Today. 

Four years ago, I didn't know Mama J, I'd never heard of her or seen her around town. I lived in the same city as her and had no idea. Then, something happened. Autism happened. We moved to a town about 50 miles south and coincidentally, through Facebook and online blogging, I met Mama J and have been blessed to follow along in her adventure with her amazing family. I recently found out she attends Grandma and Grandpa Genius' church. Say what?! It's a small world...

Well, three years ago, when we began our journey, the world didn't seem so small. In fact, it felt ginormous, overwhelming...almost too much to bear. Our boy had slipped away right before our eyes. All we were ever taught about healing and sickness seemed irrelevant, a lie. We were so confused, hurt, and sad at some of the responses to our son's situation. We took him to the alter and the elders laid hands on him...no healing. We were told by some he wasn't being healed because of our lack of faith. What? Wrong.

Why, Lord? What have we done? Grant us mercy, Lord...grant him mercy Lord. Heal him. Make him whole. By His stripes he is healed. We claim this in Jesus' name. This was our prayer. This was what we held on to...it both sustained us and drove us from God. We went through a season where we didn't know exactly how to feel. All we had been taught...it was as if it was...a lie. 

Guest Blog Post From Sadie

This is the first guest blog post with more to come. This is a great way to see many more perspectives:

"One day you were born. Another day you smiled, babbled, hugged, kissed. Rolled, crept, sat, crawled. Laughed and played for daddy. One day you walked... and ran the same day. One day you said "hi", "mama", "daddy". Another day you didn't. One day your eyes were laughing, one day they wore shutters. Someone said "is she deaf?" One day I held you so long for just one look. One day your brother played peek-a-boo for me. One day he pointed. One day, week, month, year he smiled at you. Once you looked...another time you smiled...laughed...and tickled him!! One day he talked, potty trained, made friends. Some days you banged your head till it bruised. One day you ran so far so fast my heart stopped in time. Some days you listen to my voice. One day you finally played peek-a-boo with me. Some days you smile in the sun, jump, swing up to the sky, swim like a fish, ride the horse like a trapeze artist. Some days you do good at school and smile all day and your classmates take good care of you. One day you touched your dog and now you hang on. Some days you cry... all day...every day... at the hardness of this world. Today and every day you are daddy's princess. Some day someone will "find a cure". Which day will it be for you? Soon enough to matter? Or too late because you will already be perfect?

I wrote this once about my daughter. Some people hate the word cure, but I would take a “cure” in a heartbeat for my daughter’s autism because it traps her inside her nonverbal self and causes her pain. Our journey has included many therapies: Gluten free/Casein Free diet, chelation, Greenspan’s play therapy, horseback riding, swimming, sensory diet, school services since 2, speech therapy, service dog, psychiatric meds for bipolar and self harm, temporary residential placement, in home staff, sign language, PECS…..and ABA therapy with potty training! Most of all a trampoline, swings, and lots of music…all the time! None are perfect but all are steps in learning. Two things are most important for us. Faith in the redemption of all of this someday and learning to care for ourselves and the whole family in balance. Today we are in a good place. When she is stable my daughter is joyful, often interactive, sometimes affectionate, and always moving. She likes her brothers and pets. She has wild curls I would have died to have at her age. She is so beautiful. I want her to always be safe and happy. In the more immediate I want her new ipad to open up her world and her to be able to play in Special Olympics because she is good at shooting hoops!

These are just some bits and pieces of our life. Blessings to all."

What Life Has Been Lately

School

Will start with yay!This semester is almost over with. We have a group presentation, for our group project that has been going on the whole semester, this Thursday with this comes a class, self and group assessment. Then the following week after that we have a group paper that will be 4-6 pages long and a individual paper that only needs to be a page long. I am so happy this class is almost done. First paper I did for it I got a 68% and still had an A in the class over all but feared I would get the same on my other two(then supposed to be three) papers that I had left until the end of the semester that were to be written the same way. I got one of the two papers back and got a 90% on it which makes me much happier. I am even more excited(besides thinking of buying books-one of which is 95$) about next semester. I will be taking my degree needed young children with special needs class and a photography class. I am excited about the classes but not so thrilled that I have to get up so early two days of the week for a whole semester. I have done this before with a summer class, but they do not last as long as a regular semester class. For the summer class it also was the only class I was taking where as for this semester I go straight from the one class to the next on Monday and on Wednesday I get to go home after class, unless I have to do something on campus for my special education class (I know there is an extra out of class thing that I have to do, but not sure what yet).

Swimming

Since Josiah has been done swimming with his instructor he has been down to only going once a week with us. Josiah has been doing better with less swimming this time then last time we were unable to swim as much, but I can still tell the difference. I got a cover for my phone, so I am able to take underwater pictures and videos. I have so far only taken video's as I can not get the button to push for taking pictures under water. I looked up on how to resolve this problem and have downloaded a camera that has a timer option onto my phone. I am super happy they have wonderful lighting at the place we swim. I was hoping to get back into three days a week swimming with LM this week, but his teething has caused some issues again and so we have to wait until his loose stools clears up before getting in the pool again. We are hoping that since both top 2 year molars are in and one bottom has fully broke the skin and the other just broke the skin that by the time LM will be swimming with Michael again that we will not be dealing with crabby teething toddler with chances of not being able to swim due to loose stools. 

Aspie

I was shared two different tests from an aspie friend that said based on diagnoses requirements I am considered an aspie. Then I got a copy of a test from someone that said it was the test most psychologists give to adults to see if the have aspergers which again told me I did. I have had thoughts about it as I learned more about stuff with LM that might be on the spectrum as well. 

LM's Over All Health

Just like last year and the year before the month of December seems to be more about getting health issues figured out then just enjoying Christmas. Luckily this year I have the tree up and lights up as of the past Saturday so we won't have a repeat of last min throwing lights up a week before Christmas(was about to not put anything up). Dec 11th LM goes in for his initial visit to the sleep clinic and hopefully will get an apt for a sleep study, so we can rule out any health reasons as to why he keeps waking up at night. I am cool with dealing with him waking at night if there is no health reason as to why he is doing it and want to get a health reason resolved if that is why he is waking at night all the time. The 18th of Dec. a week after the initial visit we have to cancel our chiropractor visit and go into the hospital to do a scope. This is to rule out any GI issues as to why LM will not gain weight. His therapy was unable to get a go ahead to feed him gluten so they will take his temp first thing, Jason will give him gluten and then they will take his temp after his two hour therapy is done. We are two weeks from scope this Wed so hoping that will be enough to show something since we have been waiting on permission to go ahead with it. Praying he does not have any bad reactions to the gluten and praying that we safely get through the scope procedure as he will be sedated for it. He can only have clear fluids starting at midnight and can no longer have fluids after 5:30 A. Wish us luck/pray for us on this one as he wakes up several times at tight to nurse. 

Guest Bloggers

I have asked several people to guest blog on the blog, so in the future there might be some posts by a few guests. As no one has a deadline as to when to get it done and I have given them all the option to be anonymous, use name, or a nickname of their choice I can not give much information other then a couple of people are thinking about it and have few others interested in it.

Guest Blogging

Finally got done with my A term "killer course" and ended with an A in the class. Fulfilled my promise to guest blog on another blog.  I have in mind a blog post I want to do and have had it in my head since before I began the class 3weeks ago. Hopefully, even with a new class starting this Th, I will have time to put the post from my head into words on the computer. Until then go check out the guest post I did: here.